Los Angeles, CA: Suspicions have arose around comedian Andy Dick concerning his substance abuse and the erratic behavior that accompanies it: drug possession; indecent exposure; public intoxication; sexual abuse and lewd behavior; Comedy Central Roasts.
Not one of these activities has been attributed to Andy Dick for the past 5 months, causing immense public concern.
“It’s like I don’t even know him anymore,” stated Dick follower Kyle Sherman. “Really, who is Andy Dick if he’s not getting charged with marijuana possession at Coachella while fondling some guy or girl in the back of a Volkswagon van?”
Who is Andy Dick, indeed. Some believe this is the exact question Mr. Dick is searching an answer for, as he strives to curtail his more notorious activities in order to better understand himself. Most, however, believe foul play is the cause.
“Something must have happened to Andy. There’s no way he wouldn’t have shown up at the premiere of Burlesque with 3 strippers, or accosted Santa Claus at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, unless he was in trouble,” stated long-time Dick fan Brianna Helmsley. “Maybe he was kidnapped by the Vatican or something.”
It is hoped that Andy will finally return to normacly, as he is slated to perform in Houston, Texas on December 16th. “Five months is a long time to be out of the lime-light. Or, a police officer’s flashlight,” stated long-time D-list celebrity Corey Feldman. “The human body can only take so much neglect to drugs and lewd behavior. If Andy doesn’t break at least 10 laws just walking into the building, he may be lost forever.”