ARIES
You need to do whatever it takes to keep your feet on the ground today. Make sure you’re taking it seriously by tying cement blocks to your feet.
TAURUS
A swift kick in the pants is right around the corner. Unless you’re Glenn Beck. Then, a crotch-shot may be more in order.
GEMINI
Get things going again with a friend . The two of you are back on similar paths, so you have to be close in order to cock-block him or her.
CANCER
A deep dialogue will help you learn something about how to treat a new friend. Like, don’t bring an epileptic over to your house to see Christmas lights. And don’t bring Vegan chicks to steak-houses.
LEO
You need to walk away from any situation that involves your ego, because you are just feeling more delicate than usual right now.
You fucking Pansy-ass.
VIRGO
It’s the best time for you to step things up at work or in your love life, so go for it!
Seriously, those singles are craving someone to buy them presents and make them hot cocoa right now.
LIBRA
Things you’ve been working on are starting to get a life of their own, so let go.
Unless you’ve been working on genetic experiments involving the gene splicing of a wolverine and Rosie O’Donnell. Then, I’d keep that cage locked. And filled with cyanide gas.
SCORPIO
Live your life philosophy every minute you can and stay true to your beliefs. Unless you believe that Star Wars Episode 1-3 was better than the originals. Then you should be burned at the stake for the sake of humanity.
SAGITTARIUS
All work and no play is no fun. There’s nothing wrong with just enjoying yourself.
Trust me. You won’t go blind.
CAPRICORN
If you get stuck today, don’t sit on the sidelines and worry — flag down some help!
And if they don’t respond, really flag them down by pantsing them.
AQUARIUS
Don’t volunteer for anything today — you need to keep your head down! You may find that you accidentally take on a bit too much to handle at once.
Dammit. Just once I wanted to get through a week without a “that’s what she said” moment!
PISCES
You and your coworkers, fellow volunteers and neighbors are all in a rare coherence, and you should be able to help them reach their goals with relative ease. You can build bridges today! Like anyone uses bridges anymore…