ARIES
You should not be afraid to jump in and take the lead today. Everyone wants you to.
Probably the same way no-one wanted to be the first of the Chilean miners to test that rescue operation.
TAURUS
You’re feeling a little unsure of yourself today — but it’s a good thing! Remember that time you thought you knew how to work a craps table and ended up losing your rent money? That’s where confidence can put you.
GEMINI
Your communication style is making life a lot more interesting for you and your people. Unfortunately, your employers may not find the way you answer the phone in Klingon very cute.
CANCER
Your energy is perfect for clearing your desk.
Of course, nervously pushing everything, including your computer, off of your desk could be a sign of too much coffee or a total meltdown.
LEO
You’re better able to express your ambitions today. It’s a really good time for you to step up and tell the boss — or whomever — what you really want. Show that you really mean it, too, by playing the “Day-Bow-Bow” song in the background.
VIRGO
Let things take their course. And if a relationship or idea fails, it was meant to.
This is extremely appropriate for you online stalkers out there.
LIBRA
The season of the Libra was over last week. You don’t get a horoscope this week.
Don’t blame me. Blame the STARS!
SCORPIO
See the dots? Today is the perfect day to connect them and create a clear picture.
Then you can use those pictures to line up stars and take over my crappy job.
SAGITTARIUS
You are the one in charge today, whether that is formally acknowledged or not. So go ahead and speed, tell your boss he’s fired, and write a letter to professional snowboarder Shaun White telling him to shave his head. They’re all listening whether they know it or not.
CAPRICORN
It’s up to you to make things work they way they need to today. Who else is going to go it, that depressed co-worker that chews on his stress-ball? Or the guy that’s always hungover on Tuesday?
Go get ’em, tiger.
AQUARIUS
Your love life is still super-charged right now — so if it doesn’t seem that way to you, get out there and make something happen! Even if you have to pay for it!
PISCES
Set some time aside today for planning your next great adventure. Like, mine is strapping on a leather jacket, fedora, and a bull-whip and fighting nazis. That’s a fucking adventure waiting to happen right there.