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BP Confesses Love for Everyone

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After months and months of declarations and commercials proclaiming that ostracized megalomaniacal petrol company BP would “make this right”, executives have determined with a certainty that such a task is impossible and therefore they will never be able to “make this right”. Instead, executives are changing their catch phrase to: “BP loves you!”

"I love you thiiiiiiis much!"

Petrol analyst Hugh G. Rickshun informed BP CEO Robert Dudley that it was “not even in the realm of possibility” to think that BP could get close to recovering even 1% of the approximately 170 million gallons of oil that leaked, even if dead animals had the oil squeezed from their sticky black bodies. The result of this revelation was a complete reversal of marketing strategy.

In the initial wake of the accident, BP created sympathetic themed commercials with maudlin acoustic guitars meant to evoke compassion (seemingly for the company), aimed at portraying a solemn and conciliatory attitude with spokespersons – curiously all of whom pronounce “oil” as “ole”, claiming that BP will do whatever it takes to “make this right”: “this” in context meaning the Deepwater Horizon Oil Spill catastrophe. However, it quickly became evident that declaring such a falsehood would only further sully their reputation.

BP’s Director of Marketing decided instead to go outside the box and hired prominent Madison Avenue Advertising firm Sterling, Cooper, Draper Pryce. The creative department at SCDP came up with the “BP loves you!” slogan in response to the fact that almost no one loves BP.

“It was deceptively simple”, remarked Don Draper, Creative Director of SCDP. “If someone doesn’t like you, tell them you love them – this is what Jesus did and it worked…for a little while. Then, the Jews…”

Draper went on to remark that this is a strategy he employs all the time with women, telling him he loves them and using that lie to get what he wants. He suggested that BP do the same like all other companies.

“Listen, Lucky Strikes are the worst cigarettes of all time, which is saying something because no one in their right mind can say that they enjoy smoking until they’re addicted and have no choice in the matter,” explained Draper. “But Luckies are the best selling brand. Why? Because we sell the lie. BP, you can do the same.”

Finished with addressing the press, Draper knocked back the rest of his Old Fashioned and then considered a nubile reporter from the AP. “Hey”, said Draper, “I love you.”

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