Key West, FL: In a complete surprise to veteran researchers a rare breed of super smart bull sharks have been discovered off the coast of Key West, FL, representatives from the Discovery Channel said. These sharks were discovered after an incident occurred just off the coast of Key West in the Gulf of Mexico last weekend. A Clearwater resident, Justin Cavernethy, was nearly mutilated and dismembered by a tag team of two super smart bull sharks. This new breed, Carcharhinus crapolatus, is quickly gaining a reputation for mayhem, or at the very least, scaring the crap out of people.
“One moment I’m there, relaxing, enjoying the pristine waters off the Keys, the next moment I see two large black shapes coming towards me in the water”, a still distressed Cavernethy told reporters. Cavernethy later revealed that at first he thought he was being mugged, but then he remembered he was in the water and the black shapes were also in and under the water. “I didn’t have a chance to become too distressed since they were on me like white on, well, you know the expression.”
Once he determined that these were man-eating sharks and not dolphins or the friendly manatees for which they are often confused, he quickly strategized. “I thought to myself, I have pride, I’m Irish, ya know, and if I was going to get mutilated by these sharks, I wasn’t going down without a fight.” Cavernethy later amended this statement by admitting that instead he stood completely still and lost control of his bowels.
“So here I am, shi*tting myself, thankfully I was in the water, and the next thing I know, the damn man-eaters are eating my dookies!” Investigators later said that this very fact may have saved his life. “By losing control of his bowels, and by serendipitously eating largely a fast food diet laden with fat, which caused his stool to float instead of sinking to the ocean floor, Mr. Cavernethy inadvertently saved his own life while at the same time, providing these smart fish with a tasty treat”.
“These sharks are a lot like the Velociraptors in the movie Jurassic Park”, said Dave McInnis, Director of Public Relations for DC. “They work together in a calculating manner in an effort to down their prey.” McInnis also noted grimly that this breed of bull shark is also mildly amphibious, able to crawl on land and mutilate unsuspecting beach-goers sunning themselves on the beach. This news greatly distressed a still shaken Cavernethy. “My friend, Kelsie…[lightly sobbing] sorry, was lying on the beach. The thought that one of those crawling bull sharks could have scooted up the shoreline and onto the beach to…mutilate her, well it’s just too much, you know?”
According to McInnis, Cavernethy and his friend Kelsie were extremely lucky. In a haltingly delivered statement, McInnis said: “Look, we are already combing through the reports of unsolved beachside mutilations. Let me tell you, there are many, many mutilations and reports of random dismemberment that haven’t yet been accounted for. I’m afraid we’re going to find that it’s this new breed of crazy bright bull sharks. Damn those unearlthy creatures, damn them to hell”.
Discovery Channel is attempting to capitalize on this new phenomenon. It has been leaked that a reality show starring Justin and Kelsie is being developed. On the show Justin will be isolated in the water surrounded by chum with only his Irish pride and his poop to protect him. He has said that he will load up on McDonald’s approximately 12 hours before taping. Kelsie will sun on the shoreline and will either feign narcolepsy or slather feces on her body while awaiting visits from amphibious super intelligent land crawling sharks. The show is to debut on Shark Week and is tentatively going to be called Justin & Kelsie vs. C. Crapolatus: the Menace of the Keys.
Additional reporting by the crAP