New Orleans, LA: Going on a month, the British Petroleum oil rig that exploded in the Gulf of Mexico is still leaking oil into the ocean, threatening ocean life, fishing prospects, and the beaches of thousands of retired New Yorkers.
BP task forces have tried multiple ways to plug and clean the disaster with slow progress. Tactics have included chemical sprays, burning off the oil, and having having Cyndi Lauper swim around to absorb oil like a dried-up…sponge. While all of these actions have helped the situation slightly, the oil continues to seep into the Gulf.
With nothing else to lose, BP executives have found one man to, once again, save these waters: Kevin Costner.
While BP chairman Lamar McKay had previously stated, “…if anyone from Hollywood can get us out of this mess, it would be George Clooney,” Kevin Costner was the one who answered the call. This may have to do with George Clooney being too busy making hit movies like Up In the Air and Fantastic Mr. Fox, but that has not been verified.
Costner, on the other hand, has been able to fly under the radar of any sort of fame for the past decade. Aside from taking less-than-affluent movie roles along-side the likes of Ashton Kutcher and Dane Cook, Costner started a country-rock band that nobody had ever heard of in 2008, and had been missing ever since.
In light of the latest oil spill, the actor returned to the limelight to unveil a project he had been investing in to clean out oil spills quickly and effectively called Ocean Therapy. Costner claims that he originally began brainstorming ideas with a research team back in 1989 after the Exxon Valdez disaster. finally, after 20 years of work and research, Costner’s team came up with a treatment that could hypothetically clean oil out 97% of water at a rate of 200 tons per minute. While the treatment has not actually been tested in the field, representatives of BP explained, “We have no f*cking idea what we’re doing. At this point we’re prepared to start dumping freighter-loads of Wet-Vacs into the sea to see what happens. Kevin Costner has an idea? Great! If that doesn’t work, we’ll get some advice from the guy in the Burger King costume. Whatever…”
Costner’s Ocean Therapy treatment involves a two-fold process. “First, I dress up like a pirate and jump on a sail-boat, and travel to the heart of the sea where the oil spill is happening. Then I speak to the ocean. People are soothed by my voice, to the point that they fall asleep when I’m on-screen. Remember Bull Durham? No? Exactly. That movie grossed over $50 million and no-one remembers it. Why? Because they fell asleep.”
It is believed by Costner and his think tank that the ocean can actually communicate with humans, and it is possible to coax it into separating itself from oil. “I learned that trick when I was in The Guardian. Whenever Ashton would start acting like a fool, I’d tell the ocean to splash him. Nine times out of a hundred, it would happen. You can’t fight those odds.”
The last step involves getting the separated oil out of the ocean for good. “At the moment, we have 100 trucks loaded down with DVD copies of Costner’s worst movies, like Waterworld, Swing Vote, Mr. Brooks, and The Guardian. These DVDs will be dumped into the ocean to save the environment, never to be seen again,” explained marine biologist Richard Gummer. “Actually, I think the only movies not included are Dances With Wolves, JFK, and Tin Cup.”
When asked how dumping Costner films into the sea would help the oil spill, Mr. Gummer answered, “Hmm? Oil spill?”
Special thanks to Magushnik for inspiring this article.