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Scientists Confirm Convict DNA in Football Players


Cambridge, MA: Yesterday, scientists at Harvard University confirmed what many have long suspected: football players possess more than just athletic prowess; they also possess a gene that leads to criminal activity. This news came as a surprise to few.

   Patrick Levy, a scientist on the team that completed the study, says, “We pretty much knew going in that we’dBilly Banks find the gene. After all, ninety-something percent of NFL players eventually have run-ins with the law. This had to be explained.”

   “They lyin’,” exclaimed Travis Henry, father of nine with nine different women and currently incarcerated for drug trafficking. “I ain’t got no bad genes.”

   “I failed science,” stated Christian Peters. “So I don’t know what DNA is. But I do know how to slap my women around. Gimme a high five!”

   Roger Goodell, the current NFL commissioner, originally appeared surprised by the revelation. However, after ten seconds, the façade disappeared. “No sh*t. You actually spent money on this? Jesus. That’s worse than paying that no talent bum JaMarcus Russell sixty million bucks to throw interceptions.”

   The Inept Owl attempted to reach Chris Henry for comment before remembering that the repeat offender/idiot was deceased.

   Tests are still being conducted to see how far into other sports this DNA strand may reach. Sports like basketball and lacrosse seem to have a less affluent, but still highly volatile DNA strand. Baseball may have had such a strand, but scientific analysis has uncovered that steroid use can put the strand into remission. The same seems to go for Russian prostitutes in relation to hockey. In fact, the only sports that didn’t test positive at all for the strand were cricket and bowling.

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