New York, NY: For the past month, the television syndicate of ABC has endured tremendous pressure by gay and pro-gay support groups, due to pulling American Idol finalist, and apparently gay, Adam Lambert from the station’s Good Morning America talk show.

   The decision was made due to an influx of complaints about Lambert’s appearance at the 2009 American Music Awards. The appearance featured many sexually provocative acts by the singer, which included grinding his crotch into the face of a dancer, grabbing the crotch of another, and making out with his keyboardist, among other activities related to Madonna and Britney Spears.gaybc

   The pulled appearance had brought on contemplation that ABC is not a gay-friendly broadcasting station. The rationale for this judgement is that ABC has not had a hit television series with a gay actor or actress since Ellen and Dharma & Greg ran in the late 90s and early 2000s. While CBS has Neil Patrick Harris in How I Met Your Mother and NBC has that gay guy in The Office, ABC only has Dancing with the Stars.

   In light of continual harrassment, ABC has decided to allow Adam Lambert to perform at this year’s New Years Rockin Eve with Dick Clark.

   “It’s going to be 2010. It’s time for us to be more progressive in society,” stated PR representative Shannon Cullings. “We decided to let Adam Lambert perform. However, he will not be aired live as originally intended. He will not receive an introduction from Fergie or Ryan Seacrest. He also will not be performing on the same stage as the other musical performers.”

   Instead, Mr Lambert will be performing in a corporate office at 30 Rockefeller Plaza. He will be allowed one assistant, who will assist him in taping his performance with a webcam. There will be no audience at the office, and after reviewing, ABC may broadcast the performance at 3:00am EST.

   “We felt this was the best way to compromise. Adam Lambert will be able to perform, and no-one will complain because no-one will be able see him,” continued Miss Cullings.

   As an added bonus for the slighted gay community, ABC has announced that Rip Taylor will be co-anchoring when Dick Clark is wheeled out to attempt the final countdown of 2009.

   Rip Taylor is a stage personality well-known for his exaggerated moustache, flamboyant clothing, and looking like Anne Ramsey. He also has a unique comedic performance that focuses on self-deprecation and throwing confetti everywhere. He is also openly gay, and has grand marshalled Pride Day in Washington, DC.

    “It was a no-brainer. Rip is a natural conffetti thrower, so he can more than make up for Dick(Clark)’s lack of movement,” stated ABC Entertainment Group president Stephen McPherson. “He’ll also be an excellent distraction when Dick forgets what number he is on, or starts using letters or shapes.”

   When asked if Mr. Taylor was brought on to stifle the idea that ABC does not support gay openness, McPherson asked, “Huh? Who’s gay?”

By Patrick AE

Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.