Boston, MA – Dr. Haggis O’Connell, renowned professor of European Studies at Harvard University, has discovered ancient texts revealing a surprising secret: the celebration of St. Patrick’s Day once related to a hero of folklore from abroad.
“Apparently, this fellow is the patron saint of a place called ‘Ireland,’ which is at least geographically a part of a ‘United Kingdom’ of some sort, far across the seas. It may be real, or it may be a reference to some mythical land like Avalon, Atlantis, or Monaco. St. Patrick did missionary work for the church and converted countless Irish people from their druish ways. There are legends about him chasing away snakes and all sorts of stuff. It’s just crazy; we had no idea about this stuff,” said Dr. O’Connell.
This revelation came as quite a shock to the city of Boston, which is the unofficial home of St. Patrick’s Day in the United States. Boston has traditionally held one of the largest and most intoxicated St. Patrick’s Day parades in North America; police estimate that the average blood alcohol content of every man, woman, and child in the greater Boston area on St. Patrick’s Day is around .14. (For the record, on an average Tuesday, the number is estimated to be .08.)
A recent Flufferwhite poll showed that most Americans believe St. Patrick’s Day is about beer (94%), references to genitalia involving “shamrock,” “shillelagh,” or “little Irish in ya” (75%), and flashing people to get shamrock beads (55%, 100% of whom were male). In fact, the only poll respondent who referenced a character being the basis for the holiday instead claimed it was about “that little fella on the Lucky Charms box… whassisname… Count Chocula?”
When told about the recent historical revelation, some people were skeptical. “Really? There’s a guy attached to it?” slurred Sean Mehaffey, a reveler at this year’s celebration in Boston. “I thought it was just about wearing funny green hats and beads, and getting drunk.”
Kelly Kapowski, a college student from Boston University, described the news as “wicked lame.” As she mixed green food coloring into her Killian’s lager, she said, “Why does every holiday have to mean something? The next thing you know, they’ll be trying to take all the fun out of Cinco de Mayo or Mardi Gras, and making them all political or religious or something. Can’t it just be about unity and harmony and hooking up with some guy you’ll never see again?”
As a result of Dr. O’Connell’s findings, some people have called for a celebration of St. Patrick’s life. However, Boston’s city council voted down their efforts overwhelmingly, stating, “Those who would take this joyous day away from us can kiss our collective Blarney Stones.”