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World’s Largest Easy-Bake Oven Activated


Geneva, SWITZERLAND: After thirteen years and an estimated 3.2 to 6.4 billion pounds(British currency), physicists from around the globe gathered at an undisclosed area around the border of France and Switzerland(yes, I have no idea where I am as I compose this article) to be present as the Large Hadron Collider was turned on for a test run in order to cook a ham and cheese Hot-Pocket®.

   The LHC is the world’s largest and highest-energy output Easy-Bake Oven, advertised by some Large Hadron Collideras a “particle accelerator.” The collider is contained in a circular, concrete tunnel, with a circumference of 27 kilometers, at a depth ranging from 50 to 175 meters underground. The exterior, of course, was painted in white and hot pink tones in order to relax wary antagonists who rallied against the project.

   The collider tunnel contains two adjacent parallel beam pipes that intersect at four points, each containing a proton beam, which travel in opposite directions around the ring. Dipole magnets keep the beams on their circular path, while an additional quadruple magnets are used to keep the beams focused, in order to maximize the chances of interaction between the particles in the four intersection points, where the two beams will cross.

   In layman’s terms, this is essentially a bad-ass potato gun without an output barrel.

   The proposed use of the Large Hadron Collider has varied, from the creation of particles that could very well be the mechanics of the Higgs boson and the Big Bang Theory, to studies on gravity, dark matter, and how Star Trek really pulled off an energy emission-based teleporter.

   All of these hypotheses were merely myths after speaking to scientists directly related to the project.

   Physicist Erik Drugenhausen stated: “Higgs boson? Oh no. The real question we had when constructing the Large Hadron Collider was how fast we could cook a batch of popcorn. Dr. Hans Froakenheim was getting annoyed with our microwave oven when he was getting ready to watch TRON for the thousandth time, so we decided to create the world’s most expensive microwave oven. Now look at it: a Hot Pocket warmed to edible standards in 0.000002 seconds!”

   Executives in Las Vegas have already deployed table advisors to the site to research how best to etch numbers onto the rotating spindles. “It’s gonna be huge. The world’s largest roulette wheel! 192,056 to one shot to land, and that’s just one of the wheels!” exclaimed pit boss Harvy Fletcher.

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Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.

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