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Canada Dissolves Parliament, Discovers Monarchy


Toronto, Canada–In what was originally dubbed a move to solidify power in his party’s minority government status, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper dissolved his nation’s parliament only to discover that they were still actually a monarchy under the authority of Queen Elizabeth II of England. 

   As it turns out, Canada is not only a source of donuts, hockey, and moose for the rest of the world, it is apparently still a colony of the United Kingdom, putting them on equal footing with Scott Thompson QueenAustralia, Jamaica, and of course Tuvalu. However, this minor detail had apparently been overlooked for the past several decades. On the Canadian side, the government was too occupied with the exportation of Saturday Night Live cast members and lost track of who was in charge of the country. On the other side of the Atlantic, Queen Elizabeth apparently forgot that Canada was under her purview as a part of the British Empire, being busy with other such tasks as keeping Prince Harry off the front lines of combat and deciding what to have for lunch.

   The fact was rediscovered Sunday when Harper dissolved Canada’s parliament.  The government is permitted to dissolve the parliament over such weighty matters as a lack of confidence, treason, or because it’s a weekend. It can also be used by a party to secure their foothold in office; Canada employs a multi-party system, which means power can be divided among many parties at once. Candidates are usually elected by plurality rather than majority, so gathering 7% of the vote is considered a massive mandate for change from the people (unlike in America, where a mandate for change is “because I said so”). Harper, who is a member of the Conservative Party, wanted to strengthen his still-minority party within the government.  Therefore, he decided to act like fellow American conservative George W. Bush and cheat his way into greater legislative power.   

   However, in his quest for greater power, Harper accidentally stumbled upon the Canadian Constitution, which mentions in passing that technically the Queen of England is charge of the whole shebang (editor’s note: “the whole shebang” is lifted verbatim from the Canadian Constitution). Although the Queen traditionally allows the Governor General to perform in her stead, the recent goings-on in Canada seem to have awakened the Queen from her afternoon nap and may lead to further involvement on her part. Canadians are currently holding their collective breath, hoping she forgets to take care of it after tonight’s bingo session.

   In the meantime, Canadians are preparing for their third federal election in four years, proving that the concept of “term limits” has yet to become relevant in Canadian politics. However, their election on October 14th will be a boon to the American electorate. Since Americans are unable to run an election without controversy or mechanical malfunction, the US Federal Elections Commission will be relying upon Canadian peacekeepers/election observers to ensure things run smoothly. David M. Mason, chairman of the commission, stated, “They’ve got a hell of a lot more experience at not screwing these things up than we do, so hopefully they’ll be able to help us out.”

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