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$14 Million Will Get You Pictures of a Stranger’s Kids


   People Magazine has shelled out a reported fourteen million dollars (Yes, you read that right. Fourteen. Million. Dollars.) in exchange for photographs of the guaranteed-to-be-insanely-beautiful-as-they-grow-older twins (Vivienne Marcheline and Knox Leon? What, Jennifer Lynn and Bobby Joe weren’t good enough?) who have sprung forth from the loins of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

   As much as I’m fascinated by opening the supposed 19 page spread containing photographs of the drooling infants (“Hey, look at me. I’m three weeks old and have nothing interesting to say or do. Hell, all I really do is eat, poop and wake my parents, i.e. group of nannies, butlers, personal assistants at 3 a.m. Give me my fourteen million dollars, mofo.”), aren’t there better ways to spend 14 million dollars?


Other things that can be purchased for 14 million dollars:

1.       A full tank of gas for a Cadillac Escalade. And one of those air fresheners that dangle from the rear view mirror. Vanilla is the best, if you ask me. The “new car” scent doesn’t smell like any new car Cadillac EscaladeI’ve been in.












2.       A minor league baseball team with a cool name. Think the Sioux City Psychopaths. The Plattsburgminor league baseball Porn Addicts. The Canton Cop Killers. And you’ll still have 13.9 million left over because, really, who cares about minor league baseball anyway?














3.       Everything in the Dollar Store, including the employees.


4.       One hour of the Iraqi war. Apparently, it is costing the U.S. $3,919 for every second spent in Iraq, $235,160 for every minute, and $14.1 million for every hour.  So if one could own one hour, why not do something creative? Like, perhaps, have a dance off? The insurgents on one side and the U.S. Army on the other.


And the only weapons allowed will by plastic wiffle bats. Oh, and you could hire Bobcat Goldthwait to entertain the crowd. If he should be struck down by thousands of wiffle bats at the end of his routine, so be it. Consider it just punishment for starring in that 1992 film/utter waste of time ‘Shakes the Clown,’ Goldthwait. So, in essence, the 14 million will be put to good use.



5.       Iowa.


6.       A one night hotel stay in Tokyo.a tokyo hotel room

















7.       A weeklong visit to all of the theme parks in Orlando. Well, all of them except for Disney World. Lunch at that place will set you back at least 3.4 million. Every time I’ve gone there, I’ve had to sell an organ (who needs two kidneys anyway?) or two just to buy a drink.


8.       40 Lamborghini Murcielagos.  Each vehicle will set you back about $350,000, give or take. So, why not go all out and snatch up 40 of them?  Not only will it be much easier to pick up members of the opposite sex, regardless of how ugly you are, but I’m sure owning 40 Lamborghinis will place you in the record books. So break some hearts and some records and put that 14 million to better use.


9.       Dave Coulier. Seriously, who wouldn’t want the beloved star of ‘Full House’ living in their homeDave Coulier on a full-time basis? Remember his immortal tag-line “Come on now; cut-it-out”?  For 14 million dollars, he’ll say it every single day for the rest of your life. Wrap your head around that.



















10.   Seven million two dollar bills.

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