Local Grump Registers Lawn as Nature Reserve

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Stamford, CT: In honor of Earth Day, local complainer Sam Peterson recently registered his front yard with the National Park Service’s nature reserve program in order to protect the various flora and fauna that thrive on his lawn.National Parks, keep off my lawn

   Put simply, “I had to find a way to keep the damn kids off my lawn, and spraying them with the garden hose wasn’t doing the job,” stated Mr. Peterson.

   For over thirty years, Mr. Peterson has been protecting his seasonally trimmed grass, flower beds, and lawn ornaments, particularly a plastic deer he named Stevie and a ceramic garden gnome named Mr. Bungles. Such predators as dogs, cats, and kids on bikes have been molesting his yard and threatening the entire ecosphere. Mr. Peterson’s methods of protection have ranged from spraying these predators with the garden hose, calling parents and the police, and chasing them with his garden hoe.

   “I’m just one man, and it was tiring protecting my land by myself. I needed the government to help me,” Mr. Peterson said.

   If the National Park Service grants him nature reserve status, Mr. Peterson will gain the help of a park ranger in order to protect the fragile environment of his lawn. This park ranger would be stationed in a look-out tower next to the mailbox of the Peterson house year round with twelve hour rotations of personnel. The estimated cost would be roughly $120,000.00 per year, not including the assembly of the tower.

   Once granted, only Mr. Peterson, the park ranger, and approved substitutes would be allowed legal access to the front and back yards. All others would receive citations and possible jail time, to be determined in a court of law.

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