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Fire Protesters Follow Olympic Flame


San Francisco, CA: Since its lighting in Olympia, Greece, the flame of the 2008 Summer Olympic Games has been targeted by demonstrators and protesters intent on extinguishing the flame. The International Olympic Committee has been aggravated by the actions of these people, if only because of the reason for the protests: these people are against fire.

   Of course, fire has quite a negative connotation. It burns, therefore, it burns things of value: people, homes, forest, grassy fields, and hair. It is a destructive Olympic Flame Protestsforce, but it also has its advantages. It heats homes, for instance. Although the protesters claim that the burning of, say, coal, is bad for environment, it could be trees, something certain “tree-huggers” should be happy is not being destroyed by fire for heat…for the most part. Unfortunately living in the southern parts of California may not help that consideration, but think of people living in Alaska. Eskimos, for instance, do not have the luxury of going outside in shorts and sandals to the beach and hanging out in a drum circle.

   Fire also helps cook food that normally would kill you, or at least make you sick, if not cooked. Even tofu tastes a bit better if steamed, especially garnished with a slab of steak.

   “A person’s ability to express his or her opinion is a basic human right and as such does not need to have a specific clause in the Olympic Charter because its place is implicit”, explained the IOC President. This is a nice sentiment, but when protesting the use of fire with Super Soakers and fire extinguishers, expression is quite bleak, and a little corny. 

   There has been a rumor that people are not protesting “fire” but China, the host of the 2008 Summer Olympic Games. This is because of a list of human rights violations, particularly in the regions of Thailand and relations in Darfur. This is a bit hard to swallow. Why snipe a poor little flame, who hasn’t violated any human rights? What about that fire’s rights, to burn, and to be carried around the world like a giant glow-stick?

   In lighter news, Chinese government officials have planned to host a comedy hour with Carrot Top in Tiananmen Square. This works for China’s media black-out of the square and international media, since no-one wants to cover the event. “Hey, we gave you a chance,” one Chinese offical stated while trying to contain his laughter.


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