Hollywood, CA: In light of the strike being upheld by The Writers Guild of America, the yearly Golden Globe Awards had cancelled its lavish dinner and receiving of the awards bestowed upon the artists of the film industry. NBC had suffered a huge blow, being unable to broadcast Ellen DeGeneres wandering around the stage, and seeing Will Smith and Tom Cruise joined at the hip and cheering for fraternity brother John Travolta as he ascended the stage dressed in drag. It was a dark day for television.
However, new plans have been developed to keep the audience entertained. The International Ballroom of The Beverly Hilton will be replaced by NBC’s janitorial closet. The broadcasting company will be airing the stuffing of envelopes and addressing of packages for six hours, with the occasional commercial break.
“We need to keep up the tradition of The Golden Globes in any way possible,” stated Hollywood Foreign Press Association President Jorge Camara. “In honor of the WGA strike, we had to cancel the gala that normally goes on, but we feel the closet taping would be more entertaining than subjecting the television audience to George Clooney on-stage without a script. We saw what happened at the 2006 Academy Awards with Clooney’s speech on the importance of Hollywood to society, and we didn’t need to have a repeat of that.”
During the taped award mailings, there will be clips of the movies played as each award is packaged, for viewers who use the ceremony to decide what movie they plan on going to see next. One well known scene from Eastern Promises, the fight scene at the Turkish bathhouse between Viggo Mortensen and two Russian mobsters, has been highly criticized because of Mortensen’s highly visible penis. NBC executives have promised to have a graphic of Joan Rivers’ head covering the offending member. This will not only protect the general public, but also allow the red carpet cougar her time in the spotlight.
Criticism by the Christian Coalition of the portrayal of a pregnant teen in Juno, however, was ignored. “It’s Sunday, right? They’ll be in church all day and night anyway, right?” responded co-chairman Marc Graboff.
All awards winners will be alerted Saturday of their victories, in the event they wish to stop by the closet to be presented with their award. Music will be provided by Custodial Manager Thomas Sarten’s iPod, ranging from Beethoven to Hannah Montana( he claims his daughter downloaded the song.) The awards dinner will be replaced by the vending machines down the hall.
It remains to be seen if The Academy Awards will suffer the same fate. It is believed that Jon Stewart will host the awards at a karaoke bar to be determined.