Lawmakers Pass Landmark Toy Gun Control Law
The Nerf Nerf™ Act, requires those interested in owning a toy gun to pass an extensive background check.
Santorum Compares Mandela’s Fight Against Apartheid to First World US Problems
Rick Santorum recently compared Nelson Mandela to the crusty old white men of Congress in a declaration of honor.
Dick Cousin Refuses to Pass Gravy on Thanksgiving
Preliminary reports for Thanksgiving indicate that dick cousin Andrew McDonald refused to pass anyone the gravy boat.
George Zimmerman Currently On Front Lawn Digging Massive Hole
George Zimmerman, arrested once again, is out on his front lawn digging a very large hole and does not show any signs of stopping.
Tea Party Congressman Trey Radel Becomes Bored with Tea, Opts for Cocaine
The Tea Party contemplates a name change after congressmember Trey Radel's recent charge of cocaine possession.
Storm Leads to Tornadoes, Death, and Fallen Leaves Right Where Local Man Raked
On Sunday, a fast-moving storm lead to the development of a delay in the Chicago Bears game, fallen leaves, as well as a few tornadoes and human casualties.
Blockbuster Reminds Customers of Existence by Closing Stores
Blockbuster, the home movie rental company that had introduced the American family to such historical relics as "VHS tapes" and "DVDs," surprised consumers by alerting them to the fact that,…
Johnson & Johnson Discontinues Antipsychotics for Kids Line
Johnson & Johnson has announced its decision to suspend its effort to market antipsychotics to children.
Congress Celebrates Survival of Election Day 2013
Election Day 2013 went off with minor casualties yesterday, as all current members of the United States House of Representatives and the Senate were victorious in protecting their places in…
Scientists Celebrate Failure to Find Jack Shit in Dark Matter
Scientists were proud to exclaim that they haven't found jack shit in evidence of dark matter using the LUX.