Woman Arrested on St. Patrick’s Day for Being Sober
Unfortunately, someone always has to take things too far, and spoil the fun for everyone. This year, 23 year old Manhattan resident Stacey Fueller was the culprit. At about 1:45pm,…
Alabama Named Least Active State
Today, the Center for Disease Control released a comprehensive list of the least active states, and Alabama tops that list. According to the CDC, more than 29 percent of the…
Man to Charge Two Pennies for His Thoughts
Portland, ME: In a bold and decisive move, local know-it-all John Wether decided to raise the price of his thoughts this week. For the past thirty-one years, Wether has charged…
Groundhog Predicts Early Spring: Pennsylvanians Get Naked
Punxsutawney Phil, the groundhog of revelation, left his hole this morning, slipped on the ice, crashed head-first into a tree, and didn't see his shadow in the frozen tundra that…
Teenagers Replace Adopted Children Accessory with Own Children
Memphis, TN: Frayser High School has finally, after years of competing with Elvis Presley's Graceland, become well-known as a tourist attraction. Unfortunately, its claim to fame is not for academics,…
Tanorexia Found to be Hereditary
A new study published in the Archives of Dermatology has found the deadly disease tanorexia to be hereditary.
Holy Hepatitis! Parishioners Get More than Communion during Christmas Mass
Massapequa Park, NY: Christmas Day is one of the busiest for Catholic Churches around the world. It is the one day a year when many Catholics suddenly remember that they’re…
Apocalypse Coming Sooner Than Expected
Raleigh, NC—If you resolved to lose fifty pounds this year or to limit your habit to one pack a day, you might want to hurry up. Or just give up…
Sarah Palin Guns Down Santa’s Sleigh, Ruins Christmas
Wasilla, AK: Christmas may need to be postponed this year, as reports from the North Pole are claiming that Santa Claus' sleigh was allegedly shot down early this morning by…
Study Shows “Gamers” Lose Virginity Later Than Average Person
South Bend, IN: Researchers at Notre Dame have published a study claiming that video game addicts, also known as "gamers," lose their virginity long after their non-gaming peers. The study,…