Shock Therapy Could Erase Painful Memories Like Seeing “The Iron Giant”
Shock therapy could lead to the deletion of selective memory. Yes, just like in that movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
US Government to Destroy Over 1,000 Tons of Elmo Dolls for Environmental Safety
Following the destruction of ivory, the United States takes aim at Elmo dolls.
Local Asshole Refuses to Have a Happy New Year
Happy New Year? No thanks, already had one.
Nature Experts Gather to Study Running of the Shoppers
As the holidays draw near and the bargains begin to blow in, the rare in-person shopper begins its slow migration to the local discount stores.
Delta Airlines Starts “We Hate Everyone, Equally” Campaign
Delta Airlines announced a new policy that it hopes will foster an atmosphere of equal-opportunity hatred towards and from all its customers.
Volcker Rule Requires Bankers to Pinky-Swear Not to Crash Economy
Washington, DC: Proponents of financial reform are celebrating the revised Volcker Rule, which imposes a strict requirement that the heads of the banking industry promise to never ruin the economy…
Volcker Rule Raises Eyes in Banks, Vegas
Las Vegas, NV: With the adoption of the latest Dodd-Frank financial overhaul law, dubbed "the Volcker Rule," set to be implemented in 2015, banks aren't the only companies scurrying for…
Lawmakers Pass Landmark Toy Gun Control Law
The Nerf Nerf™ Act, requires those interested in owning a toy gun to pass an extensive background check.
Cyber Monday Concludes with Minimal Casualties
Following its flashier, bloodier, and all-around more popular predecessor Black Friday, the digital door-busting shopping day Cyber Monday once again concluded with minimal casualties.
Walmart Announces Extension of Black Friday
In an announcement drowned out by gunfire and screams from rabid shoppers, we learn that Black Week is the extension of the savings so popular with consumers.