Anthropologists Uncover Missing Hillbilly Link of Evolution
New developments in the mating patterns of neanderthals point to hillbillies being the missing link on the evolutionary ladder.
Spoiled Rich Kids Cower In Terror of Affluenza Outbreak
It has now been learned that being a spoiled rich kid also comes with the genetic disposition to become afflicted with a harrowing condition known as affluenza.
War on Christmas Portrays Historical Discrimination Against Rich, White, Christian Men
Look out, minorities. There's a new socially maligned group in the United States, and they're not going to take it anymore: rich, white, Christian men.
Volcker Rule Raises Eyes in Banks, Vegas
Las Vegas, NV: With the adoption of the latest Dodd-Frank financial overhaul law, dubbed "the Volcker Rule," set to be implemented in 2015, banks aren't the only companies scurrying for…
Santorum Compares Mandela’s Fight Against Apartheid to First World US Problems
Rick Santorum recently compared Nelson Mandela to the crusty old white men of Congress in a declaration of honor.
Paul Walker Death Apparently Not Related to International Street Racing Crime Sydicate
Paul Walker died in a car crash on Saturday, leading many to wonder if it had to do with a rival street racing team from Russia or China.
Cyber Monday Concludes with Minimal Casualties
Following its flashier, bloodier, and all-around more popular predecessor Black Friday, the digital door-busting shopping day Cyber Monday once again concluded with minimal casualties.
Tea Party Congressman Trey Radel Becomes Bored with Tea, Opts for Cocaine
The Tea Party contemplates a name change after congressmember Trey Radel's recent charge of cocaine possession.
Chris Farley Found Alive and Well in Toronto
It seems that Chris Farley is alive, and has been secretly running Toronto as his alter-ego, Rob Ford.
Storm Leads to Tornadoes, Death, and Fallen Leaves Right Where Local Man Raked
On Sunday, a fast-moving storm lead to the development of a delay in the Chicago Bears game, fallen leaves, as well as a few tornadoes and human casualties.