New Benghazi Report Offers Shocking Plot Twists and Holes
Washington, DC: Recently leaked government emails have revealed some astonishing new details about the attack on the US Consulate in the Libyan city of Benghazi. Members of both parties have…
Hummus Becomes No. 1 Public Health Concern
Atlanta, Georgia: The Centers for Disease Control have announced a new issue on the top of the day-to-day public health agenda: the American hummus addiction. Last week, the Wall Street…
George W Bush Opens Library of ‘Merica
Dallas, Texas: On Thursday, George W. Bush presided over the opening of his presidential library, the George W. Bush Library of ‘Merica. The name was chosen to represent the former…
Congress Passes Gun Control
Washington, DC: Today, a joint commission of Republicans and Democrats called a press conference to announce they had finally come to an agreement and passed landmark gun control legislation, an…
Assh*les Unite Against Sodomy
Richmond, Virginia: Yesterday, Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli organized a rally in front of the state court house in support of anti-sodomy laws. Cuccinelli reached out to groups all over…
North Korea to US: We Could Totally Kick Your Ass. We Just Don’t Feel Like It Right Now
Washington, DC: Today, officials in North Korea issued a strongly worded threat to the US assuring Americans that the North Korean military power is much stronger than theirs. The exact…
Bill Gates Offers $100k to Get Nerds Laid, Condoms
Seattle, WA: This week, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation announced a $100,000 grant to whoever can create the new generation of condoms. Gates, being the chairman of Microsoft, will…
Mississippi Rallies Behind Obesity
Jackson, MS: This week, Governor Phil Bryant signed into law a ban on regulation of portion size and nutrition, officially endorsing Mississipians’ rights to eat themselves into a coma. The…
Vatican Selects New Old White Guy to Preside over Week of Media Relevancy
Vatican City, Italy: In a groundbreaking move, an enclave of cardinals selected a wrinkled old 76-year-old white man to replace their broken down 85-year-old white man. Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio of…
Sequester Season: Tips for Falling off the Cliff
Washington DC: On Thursday, President Obama signed into effect the spending cuts known officially as the sequester and unofficially as the collapse of the American Empire. There were tear-filled eyes…