Republicans Celebrate Party’s Triumph Over Science
GOP leaders gathered yesterday to celebrate a successful year for the Republican Party, capped off with an 11% decline in the belief in evolution with their colleagues.
Nature Experts Gather to Study Running of the Shoppers
As the holidays draw near and the bargains begin to blow in, the rare in-person shopper begins its slow migration to the local discount stores.
Delta Airlines Starts “We Hate Everyone, Equally” Campaign
Delta Airlines announced a new policy that it hopes will foster an atmosphere of equal-opportunity hatred towards and from all its customers.
Volcker Rule Requires Bankers to Pinky-Swear Not to Crash Economy
Washington, DC: Proponents of financial reform are celebrating the revised Volcker Rule, which imposes a strict requirement that the heads of the banking industry promise to never ruin the economy…
Lawmakers Pass Landmark Toy Gun Control Law
The Nerf Nerf™ Act, requires those interested in owning a toy gun to pass an extensive background check.
Walmart Announces Extension of Black Friday
In an announcement drowned out by gunfire and screams from rabid shoppers, we learn that Black Week is the extension of the savings so popular with consumers.
Johnson & Johnson Discontinues Antipsychotics for Kids Line
Johnson & Johnson has announced its decision to suspend its effort to market antipsychotics to children.
Kansas Considers Corporate Sponsored Suicide Hotlines
In the wake of a $19 million dollar cut to mental health services, Kansas has begun courting corporate sponsors to pick up the rest of the bill.
Congress Celebrates Landmark Budget Punt
After settling on a budget deal last Wednesday, Congress met in front of the Capitol building for the traditional responsibility-punting ceremony.
Americans Apply Shutdown Strategy to Life
Throughout America, citizens have begun applying the government shutdown method to their normal way of life.