Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to key games. Our correspondent from across “The Pond”, Rob Wheatley, is still in the lead, proving himself to be the master of a game he didn’t quite know much about when he began.
Thursday, November 11th, 2010
VS
Baltimore Ravens @ Atlanta Falcons
LINE: Falcons (ATL) by 1
Steve Elle
In a clash of mythical raptors (yes, children – before Jurassic Park, raptors were primarily known as what they actually are, which is to say birds, of prey in this case), the grimly poetic Ravens take on the sharp beaked Falcons. Ok, enough with the J.K. Rowlingesque rhetoric. What this comes down to for me is who is more pissed to be playing football on a short week? The Ravens who have to travel and have leviathans like Ray Lewis (the closest we will ever get in this era to a 50’s/60’s football player) and Halitosis Ngata on their roster or the Falcons who also have to travel, well, several blocks anyway, and have their own leviathans like…er, Matt Ryan? Rowdy Roddy White? Hmm. Ravens win this cockfight. Pick: Ravens-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Pick: Ravens-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Ravens-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Falcons-WIN
Sunday, November 14th, 2010
VS
Detroit Lions @ Buffalo Bills
LINE: Bills (BUF) by 3
Rick Bernardo
There must be a conspiracy within the Powder Puff ranks. Every week, the bare bones of commentary includes the Bills game, and I jump on it. Add that to the fact that my $20 Marshawn Lynch jersey is en-route and I’m going to get snowed in up at Buffalo for their game against the Browns, and you just may be witness to the blooming of a die-hard Bills fan. Shit. Can someone go get that maid from Paranormal Activity 2 in here? I need an exorcism. Pick: Bills-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Pick: Bills-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Lions-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Lions-WIN
VS
Minnesota Vikings @ Chicago Bears
LINE: Vikings (MIN) by 1
Darby Shaw: Pick: Vikings-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Bears-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick:Vikings-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Vikings-LOSS
VS
New York Jets @ Cleveland Browns
LINE: Jets (NYJ) by 3
Rob Wheatley
Well, I’ve just been reading the biography of Chomps, the Browns’ Labrador mascot: utterly gripping. It seems his favorite pre-game excercise is jumping jacks. There is no mention of what the Jack Russells think of this, but it IS part of his backstage rider, so everybody just turns a blind eye and lets him get on with it. Anyway, throw, kick, catch, run, goal, yeah yeah yeah, good doggy. Pick: Browns-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Pick: Jets-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Jets-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Jets-WIN
VS
Cincinnati Bengals @ Indianapolis Colts
LINE: Colts (IND) by 7
Rick Bernardo
A lot of people are bashing Peyton Manning this year, saying he’s not the premier quarterback of the league with the likes of Tom Brady and Drew Brees, especially after ending last week’s game with an interception. A lot of people are idiots. As far as I can tell, Manning, Saturday, Garcon, and Wayne are the only players that began the season as starters, and the Colts are still in contention. The rest of the elite QBs are still moping around and writing love letters to former wide receivers. Pick: Bengals-WIN
Darby Shaw: Pick: Colts-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Colts-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Colts-LOSS
VS
Tennessee Titans @ Miami Dolphins
LINE: Titans (TEN) by 1
Steve Elle
Randy Moss is not unfamiliar to the Dolphins. After his recent stint in New England, the Dolphins have much film of him slacking and taking plays off. To wit they are pleased that Wes Welker didn’t end up on the Titans. Tennessee is playing better ball than Miami right now. However, Brandon Marshall will want to up his game with Moss on the other sideline. There are other noteworthy components, of course, but who cares? Two divas should be enough for this Sunday. The hope here is that the football gathers no Moss. Or vice versa to be more specific. Pick: Dolphins-WIN
Darby Shaw: Pick: Titans-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Titans-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Dolphins-WIN
VS
Carolina Panthers @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
LINE: Buccaneers (TAM) by 7
Steve Elle
In his news conference on Monday, Tampa Bay coach Raheem Morris boldly proclaimed the Bucs to be “the second best team in the NFC”. This somewhat familiar refrain was uttered after Morris was asked about his previous statement proclaiming the Bucs to be not only the best team in the NFC, but indeed the best team of all time. After engineers at M.I.T. fed stats into one of their supercomputers, it was determined that the current Bucs are actually the 473rd best team of all time, just behind the 1953 Cleveland Taupe’s. But I digress. The Panthers are hurting, but this is a classic trap game. Of course the only trap the Bucs should concern themselves with is the trap of pretending to go mano a mano with these pussies of the cat variety. Pick: Bucs-WIN
Darby Shaw: Pick: Panthers-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Bucs-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Bucs-WIN
VS
Houston Texans @ Jacksonville Jaguars
LINE: Jaguars (JAC) by 1
Darby Shaw: Pick: Texans-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Jaguars-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Jaguars-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Jaguars-WIN
VS
Kansas City Chiefs @ Denver Broncos
LINE: Chiefs (KAN) by 1
Rob Wheatley
Did you know, the Denver team was originally named after a star player from Mexico who was famous for his constant hacking, chesty cough….El Broncos? The Chiefs, however, were named after something entirely different, But as I’m sure I mentioned before, I have a good friend who lives near Kansas City, so with good old British bias in hand, I’m going Chiefs to WIN! Pick: Chiefs-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Pick: Chiefs-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Chiefs-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Chiefs-LOSS
VS
Dallas Cowboys @ New York Giants
LINE: Giants (NJG) by 14
Darby Shaw
First thought about this game: “Giants won by a billion last week, Cowboys lost by a billion. Is there a spread big enough to cover this game?” Second thought: “Every time I think ‘Is there a spread big enough to cover this game?’ the underdog inevitably hoses me and then I wind up ‘servicing’ a bookie in a dark alley.” Third thought: “Do not share second thought in Powder Puff picks.” Pick: Cowboys-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Cowboys-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Giants-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Giants-LOSS
VS
Seattle Seahawks @ Arizona Cardinals
LINE: Cardinals (ARI) by 3
Darby Shaw
Can we just blow up the NFC West and start over? I mean, seriously. Contraction would be the best thing for the NFL when it comes to this division: divvy up the few decent players on each roster among the Lions, Rams, Bengals, and Bills. And yes, I deliberately didn’t include the Cowboys in the list of crappy teams because fuck those guys. Pick: Cardinals-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Cardinals-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Cardinals-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Cardinals-LOSS
VS
St. Louis Rams @ San Francisco 49ers
LINE: 49ers (SFO) by 6
Rob Wheatley
I’d love to recommend 49ers this week, for my pal Daen who lives in Friscoid or thereabouts. But, and like British M.P.Cyril Smith in a spray-on-thong , it’s a big but…I also have a mate who lives in a Ram. Rents are getting seriously high here in Britain and we’re having to find housing where we can. Some people are buying matches just for the boxes. Anyway, enough of the biting political satire, there’s a bloody game on! Pick: 49ers-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Pick: Rams-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Rams-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: 49ers-LOSS
VS
New England Patriots @ Pittsburgh Steelers
LINE: Steelers (PIT) by 5
Rick Bernardo
This game will be a battle of wills. On one side you have Tom Brady a week after Bill Belichick bent him over for a spanking after the game against the Browns. On the other side you have James Harrison looking to gain the record for most fines in a single game (currently at $1,250,000). I’m about to start taking the over/under on how many pints of blood are lost in this game. Pick: 4 pints. Er, Steelers-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Pick: Patriots-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Patriots-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Patriots-WIN
Monday, November 15th, 2010
VS
Philadelphia Eagles @ Washington Redskins
LINE: Eagles (PHI) by 3
Darby Shaw
I bet this game is highlighted on Donovan McNabb’s calendar at home. It’s too bad he died before he got to play it. I bet this game is highlighted on Donovan McNabb’s calendar at home. It’s too bad he died before he got to play it. Pick: Eagles-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Eagles-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Eagles-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Redskins-LOSS
RECORDS
This Week
Darby Shaw: 5-9
Rick Bernardo: 8-6
Steve Elle: 7-7
Rob Wheatley: 6-8
Total
Rob Wheatley: 84-60
Steve Elle: 81-63
Darby Shaw: 79-65
Rick Bernardo: 77-67