Ontario, CANADA: At long last, the wait is over. After what seemed like years of techno-gossip, media leaks, and stock-trading roller-coasters, Research In Motion, the company behind Blackberry smart-phones, has released semi-official data about a new age of portable technology, starting with the Blackberry Slider, aka Blackberry 9800 bold,
aka Blackberry Torch, aka Blackberry Loki(title/titles still pending).
Fears of Blackberry being phased out to make room for the influx of iPhone and Android users was finally stifled, as RIM representative Nigel Greene unveiled the latest Blackberry smart-phone, slated for release in September.
Some of the features were apparently true from the tech-gossip, as Mr. Greene demonstrated how the touch-screen phone could slide all the way out to uncover a QWERTY keyboard. “See? No clicking, like that piece of shit Storm,” explained Mr. Greene.
While the new Blackberry boasts of a new operating system, enhanced memory, browser speed, and picture taking, RIM knew that investors and consumers would need a bit more in order to keep the company competitive in the smart-phone business.
“Essentially, we stripped the idea of how a phone operates. First it was buttons. Then it was touch-screens, followed by voice activation,” stated Mr. Greene. “Now, you don’t have to hold the phone, ever!”
To show off his point, Mr. Greene brought out middle-aged Roger Benoit, handed him the phone, and acted like he was reading a newspaper while Mr. Benoit proceeded to speak to Mr. Greene’s wife, parents, and stock-broker.
“With this new Blackberry technology, I don’t even have to use the phone!” explained Mr. Greene. “Every new Blackberry smartphone comes with your own personal assistant. He’ll browse the internet for me too! Moviefone, Google Maps, all of those applications will be from the stone age, thanks to what we call the BBMB(Blackberry Messenger-Boy). Or BBMG. We offer that option, also.”
PR president of RIM Scott Ridele explained how the technology works. “With the prices of phones these days, we figured the least we could provide is a personal slave that sticks with you day and night. All you have to do is plug it in, and we do the rest. I mean, him or her…”
“The program should also help lower the unemployment rate,” added Mr. Ridele. “How often can a corporation attest to that?!”
While the BBMB/G feature was the most prolific update from team Blackberry, Nigel Greene also focused on other features, such as:
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The ability to hold the phone like you normally would, eradicating the necessity to go through plastic surgery in order to hold the phone comfortably.
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The knowledge that George Lucas won’t steal your phone and smash it on the ground when Verizon’s DROID trademark contract is up.
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Email.
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A lifetime guarantee that Steve Jobs will personally sprinkle rose-petals at your feet in order to lure you away to Apple.
Nigel Greene also mentioned RIM’s creation of the BlackPad, which he assured investors is nothing like the iPad. “How can you mistake this for an IPad? I mean, it’s black. totally different concept.”