Philadelphia, PA— Comcast CEO Brian Roberts announced plans today to roll out a new series of service plans which would grant customers the freedom to choose what level of dignity suited them and their budget for cable, phone, and internet access. The plans would be arranged in two levels: The higher-cost “Basic Human Dignity” plan and the low-cost “Comcast Classic.”
The Human Dignity plan would provide a reliable, high-quality service with access to the entire internet. If the connection ever goes down or is interrupted, members of the Human Dignity plan would be able to call 24-hour support. They would be connected to an English-speaking representative rather than an Indian guy named Carl. The representative would offer helpful technical assistance, rather than tell the customer to power the modem off and on again. If this does not solve the problem, an appointment would be made for a visit from a technician at a time that is convenient for the customer. The representative will also end the call with “thank you” rather than a string of Hindi profanity.
For those seeking to keep with the usual Comcast service, “Comcast Classic” will allow customers to stay with the horrible treatment they’ve come to expect from their internet provider. One change to the classic plan, however, is the removal of access to websites such as YouTube, Netflix, Spotify, Grooveshark, iTunes, Amazon, Ebay, Craigslist, The Onion and Comcastsucks.net. The plan will also only allow news from Yahoo, entertainment from E! Online and comedy from the Inept Owl, all services that match Comcast’s distinct standard of excellence.
Comcast spokesperson Donald Gupta suggested that the plans allow customers to take control of their services. “We’re giving our customers the opportunity to choose the internet experience that best suits them. With the new plan they can see how it feels to be treated like a valued customer with real needs and feelings. Or, they can keep their old plan like the lowlife chattel that they are. Really, there’s something for everyone.”
Comcast is even offering a budget plan for those who can’t afford to be treated like garbage. The Saver plan offers many of the same discomforts as the Classic plan, except when a technician arrives, they will go upstairs and have sex with your wife. Or husband, since Comcast prides itself on being an equal opportunity company.
Saver customer Bill McGill says he’s happy with the new changes. “It’s really not so bad,” McGill shouted over the sound of lovemaking from his bedroom. “And if this song ever finishes downloading, I’ll be able to drown out the noise.”