Anytown, EVERYWHERE: At long last, the phone of legend that was to be the one true phone of the faithful was released to the public this morning, a phone whose design the Lord Jesus Christ himself had blessed with his own flesh and blood.
The iPhone 5s has come. And it is gold. And it is glorious.
The golden iPhone 5s is also unavailable, causing an unending pilgrimage around the world for Apple fanatics who were unable to attain this golden glory from on high that King Arthur himself searched for after The Crusades. The journey’s route has crossed the vastest deserts and deepest oceans, through the Arctic Circle and the Amazon rainforest. Still, all that could be found were vague clues and riddles as to the golden iPhone’s whereabouts.
“I have had agents from ze Australia to ze Fiji Islands lined up at Apple stores in ze hope zat von may procure zis golden phone of power,” explained multi-billionaire Marcus Hergstrom, stroking a hairless cat while seated on a throne of sculpted skulls. “Alas, I have been unsuccessful, but ven I am, I vill rule ze vorld!”
Some skeptics wonder why the golden iPhone 5s is so sought after, but research through the Book of Steve in the New Testament Bible reveals the immense power that a fully constructed gold iPhone 5s has promised since the age of Christ, and through until present day.
The phone is rumored to:
- be made of gold the color of 1,000 setting suns.
- able to reflect hackers, radiation, bullets, and lesser smartphones.
- has a new Home button, which scans your fingerprint, blood-type, and checks you for ultra-early stages of cancer.
- runs the IOS 7, which connects to your brain through the dual-LED flash connected to the camera.
- It’s fucking GOLD.
None of these features can be confirmed, due to the fact anyone who even looks upon the golden iPhone 5s without being The Chosen One is instantly turned to stone. The hunt, however treacherous, continues.