Oshkosh, WI: It seemed that, due to urban legend, Twinkies would far outlive humanity due to their shelf-life. Due to the potential of Hostess (the makers of Twinkies and other equally processed desserts) going out of business recently, that shelf-life may be put to the test as Twinkies could become more valuable than gold.
Bryan Malton, local lard-ass in Wisconsin, couldn’t be happier about the turn of events, due to a vast collection of the creme-filled yellow cakes he has accumulated throughout the years.
“People used to make fun of me when I’d load my trunk with boxes of Twinkies every week at the Hostess outlet store,” stated Malton. “I told them over and over again that I wasn’t eating them that fast, but they didn’t believe me. They just said, ‘Oh, yeah, you weigh over 400 pounds due to eating tofu.’ Well, jokes on them if they ever want a Twinkie again.”
Malton first began collecting Twinkies in 2009 after seeing the movie Zombieland out of fear that, if the real zombie apocalypse ever came, he would be foraging the entire country for Twinkies like the character Woody Harrelson portrayed. While other necessities such as water, canned food, and firearms seemed to be missing from Malton’s house entirely, his Twinkie hoard seemed apparent in every room of his house.
The closing of Hostess would not actually mean the end of the Twinkie brand. Assets such as the brand and mascot costume could be sold to other companies.
“Sure, someone else could start making Twinkies, but who knows how close they’ll get to the original,” explained Malton. “They’ll probably end up dipping them in chocolate or something.”
While Malton believes he may never have enough Twinkies, he has released a provisional sales memo to stores and friends in case they became desperate enough for the bland, creme-filled yellow sponge. The memo states that immediate purchases for a single package of two Twinkies would be by auction, starting at $5,000.00.
“I’m not greedy,” explained Malton. “We’ll see how the auctions go before I figure out a retail price.”
Mr. Malton has also written to The New York Stock Exchange to request that Twinkies be listed as a tradeable commodity. He has not yet received a reply.