Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks!
The Divisional round of the playoffs begins, which can sound a bit like “Regionals” for glee club. Luckily, it’s football, so it doesn’t really matter!
Saturday, January 14th, 2012
VS
New Orleans Saints @ San Francisco 49ers
LINE: Saints by 4
Steve Elle:
All season long the outdoors have been a problem for the Saints. That presents an issue this weekend as the playoff game will not only be outdoors, but outdoors in San Francisco which guarantees a breeze, which may sounds like a breeze if your name is Brees, but actually isn’t. If the Niners can keep the Saints from making big plays this could be a very winnable game. Pick: 49ers-WIN
Rob Wheatley:
Well hell and yeah why the hell not again, with salt on. Hello fans, I’m in New York this week , as you can tell by my accent. Imagine what an absolute raving tit I feel right now then, on reading that I’m meant to be in some town called…hang on…49ers. Blimey, that’s a position I’ve not heard of, bet it doesn’t half hurt. My eyes are watering even thinking about it, but mainly because I’ve run out of booze here at England. This is no way to end a season, I’m going to find my Beatles cd.. Pick: Saints-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning:
A few years ago, two quarterbacks in the draft were highly touted, with sports analysts wondering who was going to go first. Aaron Rodgers won that battle, and got to hang out with Brett Favre in Green Bay, kick his old-ass to the curb, and go on to win a Super Bowl. Alex Smith didn’t have that luxury. He was, in fact, regarded as a bust. Now he’s in the playoffs with the 49ers as the first legitimate West Coast team since the Kurt Warner’s Rams…and Kurt Warner’s Cardinals. Unless they’re been eating way too much Rice-A-Roni, they should be able to handle a Saints team that always seems homesick. Pick: 49ers-WIN
Darby Shaw:
Okay, I feel a little bad for Mike Singletary. The former 49ers head coach had basically the same team as this year, but continually crapped the bed with it. The former linebacker who used to terrorize opposing quarterbacks had to resort to dropping his pants in the locker room to get a reaction from his players. Then rookie head coach Jim “Don’t Call Me John” Harbaugh strolls into the league and waltzes his way to a 13-3 record and a #2 seed. Harbaugh’s idea of rough coaching is to shake your hand really hard; Singletary’s idea of rough coaching was to make you eat a bowl of your own feces. Look for the 49ers field crew to spray Crazy Glue on the field surface to try to slow the Saints down. Pick: Saints-LOSS
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VS
Denver Broncos @ New England Patriots
LINE: Patriots by 14
Rob Wheatley:
Well hello again. How did you enjoy my commentary on the previous game ? Not one of my best, you say ? Well there’s absolutely no need to be abusive ! Maybe I hide it too well, but I try my hardest every week for sometimes minutes at an end, to bring you this sheer and exhaustive extent of my knowledge. The Australians call it Ossie Grit, The French call it Raison D’excessive, and The English call it National Spunk, which for years has been both our last line of defense and reproduction. None of this matters because I just had a call on my new anagram hotline, Jenny from Colchester says …oh thank god for that, we got cut off. Pick Texans, sorry they ..what, where am I ? Pick: Broncos-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning:
The year of Tebow has been rolling along brilliantly, until he met the New England Patriots and was shown there is no God, only Belichick. Round 2 is set to begin, but apparently that homeless looking coach isn’t taking any chances and hired his old offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels as an assistant to the offensive coordinator, who helped start this ridiculous parade by drafting Tim Tebow to the Denver Broncos. Word is he may be hiring Brian Schottenheimer as an assistant to the assistant to the offensive coordinator, Steve Spagnuolo as the assistant to the assistant to the assistant to the offensive coordinator, and so on, creating a dream team of coaches that can’t seem to do anything right. Sounds good to me. Pick: Patriots-WIN
Darby Shaw:
Tim Who? No, sorry, never heard of the guy. I hear it’s a big game for Josh McDaniels, though. Poor guy; he was a whiz kid for the Patriots, running their high-powered offense and becoming the Next Hot Thing in All Capital Letters. Then he went to the Broncos, who proceeded to suck ass after he wasted a pick on some never-gonna-be-a-real-big-boy-QB from Florida. McDaniels is fired, but is picked up by the Rams to be their offensive coordinator, which is like going from ruling in hell to being second in command of 7-11. After proceeding to suck ass again, McDaniels is let go… and then picked up by the Patriots again. Thus, did Josh McDaniels wind up where he started, replacing a guy who’d rather go coach at Pedophile State University. Pick: Broncos-LOSS
Steve Elle:
Is this the father versus the son? Jesus vs. God? David vs. Goliath? Nah, it’s none of those things. It’s an unpolished football team with a decent defense that backed into the playoffs versus a very experienced team with a weak defense that won its division. Game plans will likely win or lose this game. The Broncos have zero expectations, well, they do now I suppose, but the Pats are expected to control this game. Stranger things have happened, though. A plague of locusts IS forecast. Pick: Patriots-WIN
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Sunday, January 15th, 2012
VS
Houston Texans @ Baltimore Ravens
LINE: Ravens by 9
Evil Peyton Manning:
The Texans got all but a bye week by having their defense go up against Little Orphan Andy last week. This week serves to help prove that T.J. Yates is a legitimate 3rd string quarterback, ready and willing to go to the AFC Conference Championship game. Meanwhile in Baltimore, “Don’t Gimme No” Flacco has begun whining about how he hasn’t been given any credit for winning games. Vegas listened, Joe. Try not to blow it. Pick: Ravens-LOSS
Darby Shaw:
Remember when Joe Flacco was the up-and-coming quarterback? The “I can win playoff road games like nothing” guy? This season, he’s just some guy with a unibrow, no different than half the people in the stands in Baltimore (male or female). Thankfully, the Ravens are a team built to win even if they are led by a rich man’s Trent Dilfer; they have a bowling ball of a running back and a tough (if slightly geriatric) defense to hold the other team at bay. On the other hand, the Texans wish they had an anyman’s Trent Dilfer, instead relying on who-dat TJ Yates to keep pulling rabbits out of his ass. The Texans’ one shot at playoff glory without Peyton Manning ends here. Pick: Ravens-LOSS
Steve Elle:
Once upon an afternoon dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, Over many a quaint and curious pint of cold ale — While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a yapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping on the giant TV screen. “‘Tis some player,” I muttered, “yapping on my TV screen” — Only this and nothing more. Then a Texan cold and hungry, like a Buccaneer really youngry, attempted to do something sundry – on the field that he abhorred. But alas a Raven black and shiny knocked that Texan on his heinie, muttering a single word that implied the final score. “Nevermore”, the Raven said and with that the Texan’s season was dead, and the afternoon in its finality suddenly became a bore. Pick: Ravens-LOSS
Rob Wheatley:
I couldn’t be a Texan. I have totally the wrong shaped head and body to wear big hats. I’d just be a target for dogs to take relief against, while sheltering themselves from that Texan heat. No, I’m going to Baltimore, the home of more balti’s than any other American state, probably. Anyway, it’s Texas to win, and they will, they have the best scenery by far, and that’s always a big factor in these things. What is the better film ? No Country For Old Men, or that one with Geena Davis as as assassin …It’s the first one, obviously. Pick: Texans-WIN
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VS
New York Giants @ Green Bay Packers
LINE: Packers by 9
Darby Shaw:
So I looked at the passing numbers for this game–not because I was doing research, but because I was drunk and I clicked the wrong link (stupid porn URLs)–and saw that one QB in this game finished with 4900 passing yards this season, and the other finished with 4600. So I said to myself, “Drunk Self, 4600 yards is a pretty respectable total for Eli Manning.” And Drunk Self replied, “Hey asshole, Eli Manning had the 4900. He out-passed Rodgers. And get me another beer, pansy.” Yep. While big brother Peyton sat at home with an ice pack on his neck and some Swedish hooker rubbing his man-meat, Eli quietly put together an amazeballs statistical season. He’s been more productive than Mark Sanchez, Donald Trump, and Jay-Z combined. Take THAT, New Yawk! Pick: Giants-WIN
Steve Elle:
The frozen tundra of Lambeau Field actually will be a frozen tundra this weekend. I’m not sure if this is good or bad for either team. The Giants are well equipped to unseat the Packers, who lack an offensive line capable of shutting out New York’s defensive line all game. If the Giants can get to Rodgers enough they can make him tentative which can play into their hands. For the Packers part, their playmaking defense needs to have a big day. BJ Raji, who looks either 25 months pregnant and/or like he just ate a toddler, needs to get penetration to disrupt the Giants rushing attack and get inside pressure. Should be a fun game. Pick: Giants-WIN
Rob Wheatley:
“Imagine there’s no peep-holes, and living in a world of peas”. John Lennon said that and he lived in New York right up until he died. If it’s good enough for one of Ringo’s mates, then it’s good enough for me.
In fact, I’m listening to Sgt. Pepper right now, and I can hardly even see due to the sheer alcohol and ‘ting intake, but that doesn’t stop me from making utterly random stabs in the dark and still beating the expert game pickers here. That’s why you have no snow in Chicago, and why Russell Brand has a TV show, and why Ashton Kutcher exists. The world is a random place , and the more you try to analyze it, the more it’s gonna do up the emergency exit. Pick: Packers-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning:
One one hand, we have a team running downhill since Week 15, winning games that were essentially playoff games. On the other hand, we have Green Bay and a quarterback that hasn’t played a real game in 3 weeks. That isn’t saying Aaron Rodgers have been slacking off, however. He’s been polishing up his photo-bombing techniques. Look for him to bomb Eli during one of those drooling moments that Eli has made so popular. Pick: Giants-WIN
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RECORDS
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ANALYST
Rob Wheatley: 132-119
Darby Shaw: 126-125
Steve Elle: 121-130
Evil Peyton Manning: 120-131
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CONTEST
T.O. : 138-113
Obi-Wallace: 133-118
AmyC: 129-122
Beta Boy: 126-125
JMcG: 122-129
Corrupted Clown: 122-129
RickyB: 120-131
Giants Chick: 113-138
Mike Marbles Francesa: 113-138
Angelicus Rex: 109-142
La Princessa: 13-238
JohnnyO: 9-242