Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games.
Britain is still leading the cup race! Unfortunately for the natives across the pond, this isn’t soccer.
Thursday, December 1st, 2011
VS
Philadelphia Eagles @ Seattle Seahawks
LINE: Eagles by 3
Steve Elle:
Michael Vick is making good on his critics’ claims that he will perpetually play only about half of any given NFL season. This given season he is off on Sunday again, perhaps spending his spare time watching Pit Boss or perusing Animal Finder on the web. While the Eagles are a veritable all star team, albeit poorly coached and assembled, I still can’t tell you who’s on the Seahawks. If memory serves me, Steve Largent is tebowing his way through Congress while Jim Zorn may or may not be coaching somewhere. This game in a word: dull. Pick: Eagles-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Seahawks-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Eagles-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Eagles-LOSS
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Sunday, December 4th, 2011
VS
Tennessee Titans @ Buffalo Bills
LINE: Bills by 2
Rob Wheatley:
I’m sure we’ve all been in this situation many, many times: you’re out and about with a Scandinavian friend, you’ve had a few beers and maybe a heavy meal, possibly a big cheesey bean-burger..Your friend suddenly has a strained expression on his face, his gait becomes shorter and more deliberate, and his eyes begin to water..So what do you say to ease the situation ? Well, taking our anagram theme as a means of dispensing good advice, maybe this is a good time to remember that Titans-Bills is an anagram of Blast It Nils ! Pick: Bills-LOSS
Steve Elle: Bills-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Titans-WIN
Darby Shaw: Bills-LOSS
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VS
Kansas City Chiefs @ Chicago Bears
LINE: Chiefs by 7
Evil Peyton Manning:
You know what I love? Suspenseful duels between legendary quarterbacks. You can feel the adrenaline pulsing through their brains as they position their team, scan the defense for weaknesses, and unleash hell on the grid-iron with a perfectly spiralled pass to their wide receiver on a fly route. So when I saw the match-up of the Bears’ Caleb Hanie, subbing for Jay Cutler’s broken thumb, and the Chiefs’ Tyler Palko, subbing for Matt Cassel’s broken dreams, I did the only thing I could do: I threw up. Right on my coffee table. And then sat down for a long cry. Pick: Bears-WIN
Steve Elle: Chiefs-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Bears-WIN
Darby Shaw: Bears-WIN
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VS
Oakland Raiders @ Miami Dolphins
LINE: Dolphins by 3
Rob Wheatley:
Another fart gag ? Absolutely ! You know when you get caught breaking wind, and then you apologize, promising not to do it again, then suddenly you release a little silent one ? Well, it’s no surprise then that Raiders-Dolphins is an anagram of Pardon..Hiss…Lied We’ve all been there, I know I have. Pick: Dolphins-WIN
Steve Elle: Dolphins-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Raiders-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Raiders-LOSS
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VS
Denver Broncos @ Minnesota Vikings
LINE: Vikings by 1
Evil Peyton Manning:
I have high aspirations for the Vikings. For the past 5 or 6 weeks, Tebow and the Broncos have beaten every single team that they shouldn’t have beaten. They’re miracle games. I dig the hype. But beating the Vikings wouldn’t be a miracle. It’s expected. Which means that the Broncos will invariably lose. Welcome to the NFL, Timmy. Pick: Vikings-LOSS
Steve Elle: Broncos-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Broncos-WIN
Darby Shaw: Vikings-LOSS
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VS
Indianapolis Colts @ New England Patriots
LINE: Patriots by 21
Darby Shaw:
Ah, it’s time for the annual Colts-Pats game! You know that the networks always salivate like a teenage boy watching the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show whenever this game shows up in the preseason schedule. Except, of course, this year. Recently-resigned QB Dan “Who?” Orlovsky will start in place of disgraced benchwarming QB Curtis “God, I Suck” Painter. Look for kindly Patriots head coach Bill Belichick to mercifully pull his starters after they roll up 85 points on the Colts. Pick: Patriots-LOSS
Steve Elle: Patriots-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Colts-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Colts-WIN
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VS
Cincinnati Bengals @ Pittsburgh Steelers
LINE: Steelers by 7
Darby Shaw:
Buried deep within the NFL rulebook is a little-known codicil that grants one team each year the ability to make a deal with the Devil. It’s what allowed the Patriots to go into the Super Bowl with an undefeated record. It’s what allowed the Ravens to win a Super Bowl with Trent Dilfer leading their team. It’s what kept Al Davis alive for as long as he was. And this year, it’s what’s allowing the Bengals to keep up with the Steelers and Ravens while starting a rookie quarterback, a rookie wide receiver, and convicted felons at running back and corner. Don’t be surprised if, at the end of this season, head coach Marvin Lewis bursts into flames right after they dump Gatorade on him. Pick: Bengals-LOSS
Steve Elle: Bengals-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Steelers-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Bengals-LOSS
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VS
Carolina Panthers @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
LINE: Bucs by 3
Rob Wheatley:
Ok folks, after last week’s socio-political ravings by this correspondent, I’d promised to return to my usual filth and innuendos, and specifically, fart gags, that have served me so well in the past. (well, I AM at the top of the writers’ league in terms of results- headless chicken or not), so here goes. Panthers @ Buccaneers is an anagram of Bun Pharts can Sc@re, and so they should. Incidentally, I bougth few bottles of a so-called ‘carbon neutral’ beer this week, brewed in the new state of the art East Green Brewery, owned by great British brewers Adnams of Southwold. Well, it’s all very laudible, but unfortunately also somewhat audible..Carbon neutral ? I’ve never had such bad wind in my life, I’m not sure about the Ozone, but this stuff turned my front room into an Oh My God zone..somebody open a window ! Pick: Panthers-WIN
Steve Elle: Bucs-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Bucs-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Panthers-WIN
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VS
New York Jets @ Washington Redskins
LINE: Jets by 3
Steve Elle:
It is becoming apparent now why Mark Sanchez’s former coach, Pete Carroll, implored him to stay at USC for his senior season, stating he was not ready for the NFL. Well guess what? He’s still not ready. He should instead be a 7th year senior throwing INT’s from the end-zone to PAC 10 teams. Instead, for the glory of the Jets faithful, he’s doing this very thing in the pros. Much like Tim Tebow’s Broncos, the Jets are winning in spite of their QB. As for Sexy Rexy Grossman? Well, he’s the 2nd Gator QB in the NFL that’s winning ugly. That I’ve referenced both in the same capsule has to be some kind of miracle. Praise Allah. Or TT. Going Tebowing now. Talk amongst yourselves. Pick: Jets-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Redskins-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Jets-WIN
Darby Shaw: Jets-WIN
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VS
Atlanta Falcons @ Houston Texans
LINE: Falcons by 3
Evil Peyton Manning:
When I saw that Jake Delhomme was going to the Texans after Matt Leinart broke his collarbone again, I had one thought: interceptions. These days he’s the antithesis of Trent “At Least I Don’t Lose Games” Dilfer. So when I saw a 3-point line, I did a double-take. Then I found out that Jake is merely a water-boy. Whoops. Pick: Falcons-LOSS
Steve Elle: Texans-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Texans-WIN
Darby Shaw: Falcons-LOSS
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VS
Baltimore Ravens @ Cleveland Browns
LINE: Ravens by 7
Darby Shaw:
While the Bengals and Steelers slug it out over the right to lead the pack of wild-card contenders, the NFL has generously offered the Ravens a free win this week, to keep them atop the AFC North. While Madden cover boy Peyton Hillis is finally back on the field following bouts of chronic divatitis, his “four inches and a cloud of dust, followed by a fumble” approach to running the ball plays right into the hands of the Ravens defense. Expect Ravens LB Ray Lewis to spend another game on the sideline, drawing attention to himself with hysterical motivational speeches delivered in an unnaturally girly voice. Pick: Ravens-WIN
Steve Elle: Ravens-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Raven-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Ravens-WIN
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VS
Green Bay Packers @ New York Giants
LINE: Packers by 7
Steve Elle:
Although you wouldn’t think it, given the egg the Giants laid on Sunday night, they actually match up well against the unbeaten Packers. Meaning they’ll field 11 guys on defense to combat the 11 Packers on offense. Seriously, at home the Giants have a chance, however slim. The ball hawking Packer secondary will try to pick a few of Manning’s boogers (a booger in Giants parlance is a forward pass). Though in English parlance I still think the Giants still lose (or “loose” as one of my otherwise bright friends insists). Pick: Packers-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Giants-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Packers-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Packers-LOSS
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VS
Dallas Cowboys @ Arizona Cardinals
LINE: Cowboys by 5
Steve Elle:
Quick, name the starting QB for the Cardinals. Kurt Warner? False. Matt Leinart? Wrong. Kevin Kolb? Retard. Red Skelton? Getting warmer… this may be an interesting game. Beanie Wells had his best game as a pro and seems to be hitting his stride in the desert, finally, after languishing for several years nursing nagging injuries. The Cowboys, though playing well, are still the Cowboys, which means they can lose at absolutely any time, particularly with “Corky” Romo at the helm. Pick: Cardinals-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Cowboys-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Cowboys-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Cowboys-LOSS
_________________________________________
VS
St. Louis Rams @ San Francisco 49ers
LINE: 49ers by 14
Rob Wheatley:
Imagine for a moment that you’re only three feet tall. Now imagine that you’re in a crowd of vegetarians who have all just eaten a very hearty meal of Artichokes, stewed lentils, wholemeal bread and mashed seaweed..Waddya say ? It’s got to be succinct and to the point, else you’re never going to get noticed. Well, luckily for our tiny friends the Rams and Forty Niners give us the answer through the power of anagrams. Just shout “Farty Rims Nr. Nose !” That should do it. Pick Rams-LOSS
Steve Elle: 49ers-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Rams-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Rams-LOSS
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VS
Detroit Lions @ New Orleans Saints
LINE: Saints by 9
Darby Shaw:
So, how bad must it suck to be a resurgent team this year? Houston thought they had a shot once Peyton Manning went out with a hyperflaggelated tremulus, then their own starting QB got hurt and their backup QB fell off the bench and broke his collarbone. The Bengals are trying to become a big-boy team, but have to deal with a division with TWO teams that habitually give them the beat-down. And the hapless Lions, who rolled off to an amazing start, keep getting
their asses handed to them by the Packers, who look to be ready to give the whole “undefeated Super Bowl win” thing a try. And then their poster boy defensive lineman Ndamukong “I’m Pretty Sure You Spelled My Name Wrong” Suh just got suspended for acting like a whiny bitch during their Thanksgiving Day game. But as they say, better to have won and lost than never to have won at all. Or something. Pick: Lions-LOSS
Steve Elle: Saints-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Lions-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Lions-LOSS
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Monday, December 5th, 2011
VS
San Diego Chargers @ Jacksonville Jaguars
LINE: Chargers by 3
Evil Peyton Manning:
Jack Del Rio has been spiraling with the Jacksonville Jaguars for a long time. I remember the days when Jack used to be the only NFL coach that wore a full suit on the sidelines. Then he started wearing a vest. Then a polo shirt. Then a turtleneck. If he wasn’t fired, we may have seen him running around in an armless hoodie and his underwear. Now the Jaguars can focus on more important issues, like whether or not Utah is a good place for a football team. Meanwhile, the entire coaching staff of the Chargers EXCEPT for Norv Turner was fired this week, showing how sane football team owners truly are. Pick: Chargers-WIN
Steve Elle: Jaguars-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Jaguars-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Chargers-WIN
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RECORDS
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ANALYSTS
Rob Wheatley: 93-86
Darby Shaw: 87-92
Steve Elle: 87-92
Evil Peyton Manning: 84-95
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___________________________________
CONTEST
Obi-Wallace: 97-82
T.O. : 97-82
AmyC: 93-86
Beta Boy: 90-89
JMcG: 87-92
Corrupted Clown: 86-93
RickyB: 84-95
Giants Chick: 82-97
Mike Marbles Francesa: 82-97
Angelicus Rex: 72-107
La Princessa: 13-166
JohnnyO: 9-170