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Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games. This year, readers can get in on the action for a change to win prizes, trophies, and the chance to show up so-called sports analysts once and for all! Just email [email protected] with “Powder Puff Picks” in the header and your picks for the week.
Last year’s Powder Puff King was Steve Elle, but Darby Shaw is changing the guard like Eli “Aw Shucks” Manning!
Thursday, November 10th, 2011
VS
Oakland Raiders @ San Diego Chargers
LINE: Chargers by 7
Steve Elle:
Historically the Chargers get their season going right about now. They are notorious slow starters and start slow they have, seemingly regressing with every game. Doom and gloom is the mood in San Diego. And then…everything changes. As for the Raiders, well their fortunes have cooled at the same rate as Al Davis’s corpse. This is not a good thing. Pick: Chargers-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Raiders-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Chargers-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Chargers-LOSS
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Sunday, November 13th, 2011
VS
New Orleans Saints @ Atlanta Falcons
LINE: Saints by 1
Darby Shaw:
There once was a time when the New Orleans offense was something to be feared. Week in and week out, they decimated opponents. They were unstoppable in their march through the regular season and into the playoffs. Then a funny thing happened: they won the Super Bowl, and somebody took a picture of Saints QB Drew Brees holding his headphone-wearing son amidst a shower of confetti. Now, giggly female reporters are asking him about that “iconic image” rather than asking the best way to dissect a two-deep zone defense. Meanwhile, Falcons TE Tony Gonzalez has quietly amassed more catches in his career than anybody not named Jerry Fucking Rice. He has all but assured himself a spot in an upcoming season of Dances With The Stars. Pick: Saints-WIN
Steve Elle: Falcons-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Falcons-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Falcons-LOSS
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VS
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cincinnati Bengals
LINE: Steelers by 3
Rob Wheatley:
The Pitsburgh Steelers are MEN. Real men, a cut above the rest, super men if you will. Super men of the Steelers. Faster than a speeding bullshitter, able to leap small builders in a single bound (with a bit of a run up), more reliable than any British train service, they wear their underpants on top of THEIR tights..do you ? No, of course not, only one man can really make that look good, and he’s not a man at all..Kal-El (or El Kal as he’s known in Mexico) from the planet Krypton..but he’s not available cos he’s busy dealing with the publicity from his new film Superman:Requiem that goes live online on 11.11.11 via http://www.themanofsteelisback.com/ . Which is a shame, as it means The Bengals are gonna rip them a new one.. Pick: Bengals .. (Phew, I think I got away with that subtle plug..after last week, the Editor is keeping a close eye on me, so say nothing !). Pick: Bengals-LOSS
Steve Elle: Steelers-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Steelers-WIN
Darby Shaw: Steelers-WIN
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VS
St. Louis Rams @ Cleveland Browns
LINE: Browns by 3
Darby Shaw:
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Does anybody even care? Pick: Rams-WIN
Steve Elle: Rams-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Rams-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Rams-WIN
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VS
Buffalo Bills @ Dallas Cowboys
LINE: Cowboys by 6
Evil Peyton Manning:
It’s fitting that one of the least expectant teams to win in the NFL that is doing well would go up against one of the most expectant teams to win in the NFL that is doing mediocre. It just shows that money doesn’t make the world go round all the time. All you need is a beard and a dream, and Tony Romo can only have one of those. In other news, Terrell Owens has begun taping episode 3 of “Why Doesn’t Anybody Want Me” in a parking lot across the street from Cowboys Stadium in the hopes that a team other than the IFL New Mexico Stars or AFL Chicago Rush will want to pick him up. Pick: Bills-LOSS
Steve Elle: Cowboys-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Cowboys-WIN
Darby Shaw: Bills-LOSS
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VS
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Indianapolis Colts
LINE: Jaguars by 3
Steve Elle:
The Owl’s illustrious editor once again somehow found a way to assign me the task of commenting on the week’s most boring game. Thanks, Cap’n. I predict Peyton Manning will go 0 for 0 for 0 yards and still collect his normal weekly paycheck in the neighborhood of $1.25M for his trouble. The Jags should be able to run on Indy but frustration should mount in sufficient amounts for Indy to find a way to win this game. And if they do? Tough Luck Colt’s fans. Pick: Colts-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Jaguars-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Colts-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Colts-LOSS
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VS
Denver Broncos @ Kansas City Chiefs
LINE: Chiefs by 4
Rob Wheatley:
If you listen very carefully during this game, you will hear the sound of elderly gentlemen clearing their throats. It’s very subtle, almost inaudible, but it’s there. Every so often, a muted chesty gargle or even in some expert cases, a controlled hacking combined with near under the radar full body spasms and a slight reddening of the face can be observed. These are “The Denver Bronchos”, a crack squad of experts in their chosen field of coughing, in the throughs of their ongoing protest against the use of what they consider to be their name, by the Denver NFL team. Banned from all games since their biggest ever protest in 1987, where they filled up almost an entire end of the staduim and disrupted the players with a series of well choreographed Mexican Wave style bronchial attacks. One after another, the protesters would stand and attempt to bring their lungs up through their nose, later scoring individual points for showmanship and internal bleeding. Now they have to sneak in, no large groups, keeping it all very hush-cough-hush. But we know they’re there. We salute you, The Denver Bronchos. Pick: Chiefs-LOSS
Steve Elle: Chiefs-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Chiefs-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Chiefs-LOSS
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VS
Washington Redskins @ Miami Dolphins
LINE: Dolphins by 4
Evil Peyton Manning:
Once you think Dolphins coach Tony Sparano couldn’t do worse, he does, by directing a win for his team to make Miami drop back a game in The Quest for Luck. With Brett Favre Jr. chucking footballs down the sideline from the Washington bench, the Dolphins could handily defeat the Redskins, but seriously, what would be the point? Pride? They took Jason Taylor back, so it can’t be that. Pick: Dolphins-WIN
Steve Elle: Dolphins-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Redskins-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Redskins-LOSS
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VS
Arizona Cardinals @ Philadelphia Eagles
LINE: EVEN
Darby Shaw:
Wait, what? The line on this game is EVEN? I realize that the Eagles are struggling to gather the Ws in an evenly-matched division, but c’mon. The Cardinals are traveling to the East coast, are 0-4 on the road, and have two wins: against Carolina in Cam Newton’s rookie debut, and an OT win against perennial suck-hole St. Louis. Plus, I’m pretty sure Arizona QB Kevin Kolb is dead, or something. The only way Philly loses this one is if Michaek Vick gets detained for child molestation… and in Pennsylvania, that’s almost unheard of. (What, too soon?) Pick: Eagles-LOSS
Steve Elle: Eagles-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Cardinals-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Eagles-LOSS
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VS
Houston Texans @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
LINE: Texans by 3
Darby Shaw:
Okay, Houston. You can take your foot off the gas. Unless my calculations are off, you’ve already clinched the AFC South. You’re the only team in your division with a positive point differential, and you don’t have a quarterback who is A. 22 years old, B. 122 years old, or C. a backup to Peyton Manning. Ergo, you’re pretty much set. Put in your second string and get well-rested for your first-round playoff loss to whichever team wins a real division, like the AFC North or the Big Ten. Pick: Texans-WIN
Steve Elle: Bucs-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Bucs-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Texans-WIN
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VS
Tennessee Titans @ Carolina Panthers
LINE: Panthers by 4
Rob Wheatley:
My Tourettes-Dyslexia just kicked in there, it causes me to see rude or suggestive words that don’t actually exist. My mind just flashed into overdrive at the thought of two aging pornstars ‘Tennessee Titans’ and ‘Carolina Pants’ . Anyway, that’s hardly the point, although now it’s difficult for me to shift the image of these overly siliconed , perma-tanned transvestite lookalikes, hair bleached so blonde that even the sun can’t look directly at it, and so much Botox under the skin, that the only parts of their face with any real independent movement are their teeth. As you were… Pick: Panthers-LOSS
Steve Elle: Titans-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Titans-WIN
Darby Shaw: Panthers-LOSS
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VS
Baltimore Ravens @ Seattle Seahawks
LINE: Ravens by 7
Steve Elle:
See the Jaguars/Colts discussion for a quick and apt recap as pertains to this game. The Seahawks’ chances in this game hinge primarily on the Ravens being afflicted with severe jet lag. Or food poisoning. Of the entire team. And coaching staff. And cheerleaders. I think you can see where this is heading. Pick: Ravens-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Ravens-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Ravens-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Ravens-LOSS
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VS
Detroit Lions @ Chicago Bears
LINE: Bears by 3
Evil Peyton Manning:
Lions QB Matthew Stafford had plenty of detractors for the past few years. Now he can truly shine next to the quarterback he best exemplifies, Jay Cutler, as a big burly pain-in-the-ass for the city of Chicago. But don’t let the apathy fool you. This promises to be an exciting game. Or a slow, defensive-minded crawl that will have even Lions fans screaming, “Kick it to Hester!” Pick: Lions-LOSS
Steve Elle: Lions-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Bears-WIN
Darby Shaw: Lions-LOSS
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VS
New York Giants @ San Francisco 49ers
LINE: 49ers by 3
Evil Peyton Manning:
Manning-Mania has officially begun. After defeating the New England Patriots last week, Giants QB Eli Manning has proved that he wasn’t lying when he said he was on par with Tom Brady. Considering Brady has thrown more interceptions this season than in total last season, it is unknown if Eli is as good as Brady, or if Brady is as bad as Eli. After such an emotional game, most teams would feed off that going into the next game. However, this is the New York Giants we are talking about, going up against another unlikely division leader, the 49ers. Pick: 49ers-WIN
Steve Elle: Giants-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: 49ers-WIN
Darby Shaw: Giants-LOSS
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VS
New England Patriots @ New York Jets
LINE: Jets by 1
Steve Elle:
With the Dolphins now only 4 games out of the lead in the AFC East, both the Patriots and Jets have to be very, very worried. This will affect the teams in unique ways. While the Jets will likely be despondent, hopefully seeing suicide as the only sensible solution, I believe the Pats will be reenergized. After jettisoning Albert Haynesworth strangely their run defense should improve. This would then allow them to unload on Mark Sanchez, who coincidentally loves loads, especially those emanating from big, manly football players. Pick: Patriots-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Patriots-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Patriots-WIN
Darby Shaw: Patriots-WIN
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Monday, November 14th, 2011
VS
Minnesota Vikings @ Green Bay Packers
LINE: Packers by 14
Rob Wheatley:
I think ‘The Green Bay Packers’ would be an excellent name for a soap opera. It could focus on the small town of Green Bay and the activities of those who work in its cardboard box factory, and follow the dramas and despairs, the love and heartbreak, the kindness and the outright animal fury that goes with the fabrication of packaging . You could have a big shouty monkey on steroids as the boss, (Paul Snr. from American Chopper), and some smaller shouty monkey as the manager (Dwayne from American Hotrod), and some weird English bloke as the deranged mass murderer (Christian Bale from American Psycho). It’d be great, certainly much better than watching these idiots throw a ball at each other for an hour. Pick: Packers-WIN
Steve Elle: Packers-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Vikings-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Vikings-LOSS
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RECORDS
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ANALYSTS
Rob Wheatley: 70-63
Darby Shaw: 67-66
Steve Elle: 65-68
Evil Peyton Manning: 64-69
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CONTEST
Obi-Wallace: 74-59
AmyC: 72-61
T.O.: 72-61
Beta Boy: 66-58
RickyB: 64-69
JMcG: 65-68
Corrupted Clown: 64-69
Giants Chick: 61-72
Mike Marbles Francesa: 61-72
Angelicus Rex: 51-82
La Princessa: 13-120
JohnnyO: 9-124