Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games.
From the ashes of the past couple weird weeks, Darby Shaw has taken the lead, only a few games separate the top from the bottom, and Evil Peyton Manning has eaten his own hand in fear of Andrew Luck. Let’s see what this week brings!
Sunday, November 6th, 2011
VS
New York Jets @ Buffalo Bills
LINE: Bills by 2
Darby Shaw:
Do you know why I really love the NFL? It’s because players are utterly unafraid of hyperbole. This week, Jets CB Darrelle “I Am a Rock, I Am an Iiiiiiisland” Revis categorized this game as a “must-win” for the Jets. Who are 4-3. And one game out of first place in their division. Meanwhile, Bills QB Paul Bunyan… err, Ryan Fitzpatrick is reaping the benefits of his outstanding season by receiving a 6-year, $59 million dollar contract. Unfortunately, thanks to Wall Street, he is still the lowest-paid Harvard grad with a degree in economics in the state of New York. Pick: Bills-LOSS
Steve Elle: Bills-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Jets-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Jets-WIN
_____________________________
VS
Seattle Seahawks @ Dallas Cowboys
LINE: Cowboys by 12
Evil Peyton Manning:
After being flayed alive by the Philadelphia Eagles, last Sunday, the Cowboys plan on grilling Seattle’s offense with their defensive line, eating up the clock with their run game, and pushing their receivers to gobble up every pass Tony Romo attempts. The game will eventually become a game of chicken the Cowboys play not only with the Seahawks, but with themselves on the grilling iron. Oh wait, this is a list Rob Ryan’s barbeque recipes. I was wondering why there were ketchup stains. Pick: Cowboys-LOSS
Steve Elle: Cowboys-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Seahawks-WIN
Darby Shaw: Seahawks-WIN
____________________________
VS
Atlanta Falcons @ Indianapolis Colts
LINE: Falcons by 8
Evil Peyton Manning:
At the halfway point of the season, the Colts are the co-possessors of a winless season so far with the Miami Dolphins, making my good twin feel the need to speak up in an attempt to get back on the field. Some may call it pride. Others may call it duty. I call it, “a way to help Colts owner Jim Irsay out of the painful decision of taking or passing on Andrew Luck on draft day.” However, if the choice for Luck happens, the Colts are primed to take all of the 1st and 2nd rounds of the draft as compensation when they trade Manning. Pick: Falcons-WIN
Steve Elle: Falcons-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Falcons-WIN
Darby Shaw: Falcons-WIN
__________________________________
VS
Miami Dolphins @ Kansas City Chiefs
LINE: Chiefs by 5
Rob Wheatley:
Imagine for a second, that the team from Kansas City were known not as the Chiefs, but the Chefs. Now imagine for a second second that a Dolphin is some form of large fish (eg. Tuna, Cod, Horse etc.) . Now imagine for a third second, that the Chef in question is some Saki-crazed, katana wielding Japanese sushi grand master. Yep, Now imagine for a second fifth..fifth first..hang on, second minute..bugger, hang on, I’ll get there in a bit ..Aah, that’s it..imagine for a fifth second that, well, erm, (blimey, I given myself a headache now) ..Oh yeah, I remember now, lotsa sliced Dolphin is where I’m going with this one. Diced and sliced raw Dolphin with a bit of dippy sauce, seaweed, and rolled up in one of those mats we used to use for rolling extra long joints..well, that ! I think I may have lost a second there, but as time waits for no Man, I ain’t too bothered. Chefs kick the Dolphins’ butts (Do Dolphins have buttocks ?) Pick: Chiefs-LOSS
Steve Elle: Chiefs-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Chiefs-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Chiefs-LOSS
_________________________________
VS
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ New Orleans Saints
LINE: Saints by 9
Steve Elle:
For the 2nd time in 3 games the Bucs meet the Saints. Wow, those NFL schedule makers are geniuses! This time, however, it’s at the Mercedes Benz SuperDump. Why Mercedes decided to green light sponsoring a stadium known as the SuperDump is beyond me. The Bucs beat the Saints earlier this year and have had good luck at the ‘Dump lately. My advice to the Bucs? Bring your trash and drop it off at the ‘Dump along with the rest of the trash that’s already there. Pick: Bucs-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Saints-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Saints-WIN
Darby Shaw: Bucs-LOSS
__________________________________
VS
San Francisco 49ers @ Washington Redskins
LINE: 49ers by 4
Darby Shaw:
Thanks to a cupcake schedule and the fact that they’re in the NFC West, the 49ers could easily stroll into the playoffs at 12-4 this season, despite having a quarterback who took 27 years to hit his stride, a petulant running back, and a “who are these fuckin’ guys?” defense. On the other sideline, the only news of note is that Redskins owner Daniel Snyder will come face-to-face with Jim Harbaugh, the guy who took his spot in the NFL commercial where the girl throws the jersey in the guy’s face. Or was that John Harbaugh? I can’t tell those two apart. Pick: 49ers-WIN
Steve Elle: 49ers-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Redskins-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: 49ers-WIN
___________________________________
VS
Cleveland Browns @ Houston Texans
LINE: Texans by 11
Rob Wheatley:
It’s a real shame I got this game to commentate on. I would have much preferred the Friday showdown between Chargers and Raiders. Not because I give a monkey’s left tit about either of these teams, but rather cos I would then be able to subliminally slide in a couple of references to a huge alternative global event which is also happening on November 11th. Yes folks, I would have been able to mention the world release of what is already being hailed as the biggest and best ‘Fan Film’ ever made. “SUPERMAN:REQUIEM”. Already catching the attention of some big industry names,this is gonna be big, with a global cast and crew made up from some serious new talent, including an old aquaintance of mine, Producer and Actor Tony Cook, who just IS gonna be one of the biggest names in film in the next few years. The film is free to watch,and so you have no excuse. Go check http://www.themanofsteelisback.com/ or http://www.facebook.com/SupermanRequiem for more details….but I didn’t get that game, so there’s almost no chance of tellng you about SUPERMAN: REQUIEM. (EDITOR’S NOTE: There is no Friday game. Rob is British. Carry on.) Pick: Texans-WIN
Steve Elle: Texans-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Browns-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Texans-WIN
_________________________________________
VS
Cincinnati Bengals @ Tennessee Titans
LINE: Titans by 3
Evil Peyton Manning:
Halfway through the season, the changing of the Ginger guard in Cincinnati has already amassed more wins with Andy Dalton than it had all last season. I know what you’re thinking, “Carson Palmer isn’t a Ginger!” True, but the Bengals uniform warps all quarterbacks into Gingers. Boomer Esiason was blonde until he put on a Bengals jersey, became a Ginger, than reverted back to blonde when he came to the New York Jets. I believe Bruce Gradkowski miraculously sprouted a giant red fro and freckles when he first put on a Bengals helmet. Pick: Bengals-WIN
Steve Elle: Bengals-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Bengals-WIN
Darby Shaw: Bengals-WIN
______________________________________
VS
Denver Broncos @ Oakland Raiders
LINE: Raiders by 9
Steve Elle:
The editor of this award winning website must enjoy my rants on Baby Jesus. I will, of course, accommodate him. It was revealed this week that not only had TT (Tim Tebow, the last time I write out his name) fallen behind Brady Quinn on the depth chart for the Broncos as essentially the number 3 QB, another free agent pickup (guy with the last name of Webb) had also beaten him out making him #4 on the depth chart. We all know the rest. He somehow ascended (cue angelic music) to first string. The result? Uh, he’s played like the 4th string QB that he is. Shocking. Pick: Raiders-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Raiders-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Raiders-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Raiders (or for the stadium to blow up)-LOSS
_________________________________________
VS
New York Giants @ New England Patriots
LINE: Patriots by 9
Evil Peyton Manning:
If there is one comparison between these two teams besides being 5-2, it can be summed up in two words: not pretty. The Giants haven’t given their fans time to breathe since September 25th when the handily defeated the Eagles, while Tom Brady has already doubled the amount of INTs he has thrown from last season. Luckily, the elite quarterback role in commercials vacated by Peyton Manning has been filled by Aaron Rodgers, so we can all rest easy. Pick: Patriots-LOSS
Steve Elle: Patriots-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Patriots-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Giants-WIN
_________________________________________
VS
St. Louis Rams @ Arizona Cardinals
LINE: Cardinals by 2
Darby Shaw:
Remember in elementary school, when you used to have flash-card contests? Two students would stand up, the teacher would show a flash card with a math problem, and the first student to shout out the answer correctly won and got to compete against the next student. Except sometimes, you’d wind up with the kid who blatantly picked his nose in class vs. the kid who stared out the window and twirled his hair. The teacher would show the card, then an uncomfortable silence would drag out as both brains unsuccessfully tried to process the numbers. After a while, they would begin muttering random numbers, hoping to strike gold. Eventually, their mental roll of the dice would turn out right, and the class would breathe a sigh of relief. The game between the Rams and the Cardinals is going to be a three-hour battle between the nose-picker and the daydreamer. Pick: Rams -LOSS
Steve Elle: Rams-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Cardinals-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Rams-LOSS
______________________________________
VS
Green Bay Packers @ San Diego Chargers
LINE: Packers by 6
Steve Elle:
Well, the Packers are going to lose eventually, maybe, and since they don’t play the Bucs for a few more weeks (a pretty much guaranteed loss), this may be their next best chance. Philip Rivers is playing like the little biatch that he is right now so he needs to get that rectified. But Aaron Rodgers is in a zone as he continues to make the Packer faithful forget the previous megalomaniacal geriatric QB of the Pack. And no, I don’t mean Bart Starr. Yes, I mean Husband of the Year – Brett Favre. Pick: Packers-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Packers-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Packers-WIN
Darby Shaw: Packers-WIN
______________________________________
VS
Baltimore Ravens @ Pittsburgh Steelers
LINE: Steelers by 4
Rob Wheatley:
Back in the late 80’s,The Baltimore Ravens were hailed as the most boring team in the whole world according to a survey I just thought up. Luckily, the whole Acid House thang was there to save the day. Team training sessions were altered from the more traditional running laps around a field, to jumping up and down blowing whistles and generally loving everybody. The scrambles for small bottles of water became legendary, and the games started to run on for up to ten hours at a time, until they were generally broken up by the Police. Hang on, I think this is a dream I had about a team called the Baltimore Ravers ! Oh crapola, as you were… Pick: Steelers-LOSS
Steve Elle: Steelers-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Steelers-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Steelers-LOSS
___________________________________________
Monday, November 7th, 2011
VS
Chicago Bears @ Philadelphia Eagles
LINE: Eagles by 8
Darby Shaw:
Cutler! Vick! It’s a matchup of the two whiniest, most petulant quarterbacks in the National Football League on Monday Night Football! Pick: Bears-WIN
Steve Elle: Eagles-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Bears-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Eagles-LOSS
__________________________________
RECORDS
___________________________________
ANALYSTS
Darby Shaw: 62-55
Rob Wheatley: 61-56
Steve Elle: 58-59
Evil Peyton Manning: 57-60
___________________________________
___________________________________
CONTEST
Obi-Wallace: 67-50
AmyC: 58-45
T.O.: 65-52
Beta Boy: 58-49
RickyB: 56-61
JMcG: 53-64
Corrupted Clown: 54-63
Giants Chick: 52-65
Mike Marbles Francesa: 52-65
Angelicus Rex: 43-74
La Princessa: 13-104
JohnnyO: 9-108