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Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games. This year, readers can get in on the action for a change to win prizes, trophies, and the chance to show up so-called sports analysts once and for all! Just email [email protected] with “Powder Puff Picks” in the header and your picks for the week.
The competition is getting closer, as players get hurt, teams sign free agents, and some of us just go crazy. That’s football!
Sunday, October 30th, 2011
VS
Indianapolis Colts @ Tennessee Titans
LINE: Titans by 9
Darby Shaw:
Okay, let’s be honest. In any given week, it’s not like we expect the Colts to actually win. They are screaming headlong into the “no matter how much we paid Peyton Manning, it wasn’t enough, because he is the only thing between being perennial contenders and being the Gimps of the NFL” realization. But it would be nice if they could stay within three or four touchdowns of covering the spread, at very least. (Oh, and PS… right now, you’re picturing Peyton Manning in the Gimp suit, aren’t you? And you’re a little turned on. Admit it.) Pick: Titans-WIN
Steve Elle: Titans-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Titans-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Titans-WIN
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VS
New Orleans Saints @ St. Louis Rams
LINE: Saints by 14
Rob Wheatley:
Well hello sports fans, from this sunny edge of the UK (that’s in England). Here in England, we have a particular class of human known as ‘Posh People’. Not only are they almost genetically identical to horses, but they also like to pronounce some words in any way they please, just to confuse poor folk and foreigners. One example of this is in the pronunciation of the sir name ‘Saint John’. If you are very very posh, then this is spoken as ‘SinJin’, which frankly, is ridiculous. As a tribute to this however, I’m giving the New Orleans Sins my wave of approval this week. Incidentally, posh English actor Ralph Feinnes insists on being called ‘Rafe’, an attitude which recently won him the ‘Most creative use of a Christian name’ award for his role in the film ‘In Brugges’ where he played Ben Kingsley out of Sexy Beast. Pick Sins, sorry… Pick: Saints-LOSS
Steve Elle: Saints-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Saints-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Saints-LOSS
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VS
Miami Dolphins @ New York Giants
LINE: Giants by 10
Steve Elle:
Guess how much incentive the Dolphins have to win this game? If you guessed “glazed donut” (i.e., “O”) that would be correct. But I think they have something brewing. Matt Moore has looked promising. Cameron Wake is waking up, ironically. Brandon Marshall is ready to break out. Even Reggie Bush has looked good. After getting embarrassed by high school QB Tim Tebow in perhaps the most embarrassing Dolphins loss of all time, Miami seems to be finally primed for a turnaround. Really? No, not really. The embarrassment should continue unabated this weekend. Go Stanford! Pick: Giants-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Giants-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Giants-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Dolphins-WIN
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VS
Minnesota Vikings @ Carolina Panthers
LINE: Panthers by 4
Rob Wheatley:
I recently needed someone to come and paint my house, so I employed Painters. I then needed somebody to build a wall, so I called the Builders. So when this week I realized that I needed to restock on my supply of custom made Robboland heavy duty underpants, I naturally called the Panthers. Imagine my surprise when on arrival for the fitting, I entered the dressing room only to be savaged by an extremely violent large black wild cat. None of the usual, ‘which side do you dress Sir?’, banter, just a lightning quick mauling, and then my underpants arrived by Hazmat Courier two days later. I thoroughly recommend it. They’re my underpants, and I’m sticking to them. Pick: Panthers-LOSS
Steve Elle: Vikings-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Panthers-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Vikings-WIN
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VS
Arizona Cardinals @ Baltimore Ravens
LINE: Ravens by 13
Steve Elle:
Larry Fitzgerald should sue the Cardinals for breach of contract. Oh, they’re paying him all right, but they’re also effectively marginalizing his career due to horrific personnel decisions. The Ravens, on the other hand, should sue Joe Flacco for breach of contract, otherwise known as sucking. He is a model of regression. This could actually be an entertaining game but the Ravens at home should take care of bidness, as Ray Lewis would say. Pick: Ravens-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Cardinals-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Cardinals-WIN
Darby Shaw: Ravens-LOSS
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VS
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Houston Texans
LINE: Texans by 10
Evil Peyton Manning:
It amazes me how some teams can have so little a draw, they make their opponents even more depressing. Just look at the Jaguars. Last week they took Monday Night with the Ravens, gave it directly to Ashton Kutcher and Two and a Half Men, and forced the Ravens into a mass suicide pact. And this wasn’t even at a home game where their fans plan blackouts so they can watch NASCAR! This game against the Texans should be more of the same: unwatched, leading into unwatchable. Pick: Jaguars-WIN
Steve Elle: Texans-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Texans-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Texans-LOSS
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VS
Washington Redskins @ Buffalo Bills
LINE: Bills by 6
Steve Elle:
With news of the Bills signing him to an extension, Ryan Fitzpatrick’s Harvard education has finally paid off: he’s rich. Unlike 99.9% of his college peers however, his riches are coming courtesy of an NFL career. I’m doubting there were any references to Native Americans as Redskins in Fitzpatrick’s copy of Zinn’s People’s History of the United States, but that won’t stop him from facing them on Sunday. As for the ‘Skins, I honestly have no idea what kind of team they have these days. I’m just not interested. Is that so wrong? Pick: Bills-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Redskins-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Bills-WIN
Darby Shaw: Bills-WIN
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VS
Detroit Lions @ Denver Broncos
LINE: Lions by 3
Evil Peyton Manning:
Tebow-Mania cannot be stopped. Just when you think that the John Fox Experiment has failed as Tebow went 4-14 for 40 yards while learning how to be a quarterback, the Dolphins woke up and remembered that they’re in the Luck Lottery, and promptly lose. Now Tebow will have to dig deep for Christ, as Lions DT Ndamukong Suh is sure to plan to knock the bejeezus out of him. The Lions, on the other hand, are hoping that Stafford isn’t doing an imitation of Stafford for the last two years by getting himself injured for the season. Pick: Lions-WIN
Steve Elle: Lions-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Broncos-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Lions-WIN
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VS
New England Patriots @ Pittsburgh Steelers
LINE: Patriots by 3
Darby Shaw:
The best part about a crazy season where the Lions are winners, Tim Tebow is walking on water, and Jim Harbaugh is shaking people’s hands really hard, is that we don’t have to hear about TomBradyTomBradyTomBrady all the time, even when the Patriots are 5-1. In fact, Brady and Roethlisberger might be the most undiscussed quarterbacks in the league right now. Hell, even Donovan McNabb is being talked about more, and he’s been dead for three years. Wait, what? He’s alive? Pick: Steelers-WIN
Steve Elle: Patriots-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Steelers-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Patriots-LOSS
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VS
Cleveland Browns @ San Francisco 49ers
LINE: 49ers by 9
Evil Peyton Manning:
The Browns seem to be a tough team to gauge, coming in with a 3-3 record, but don’t let the record fool you: those wins come from the Colts, Dolphins, and Seahawks, who combine for a total of 2 wins. Both of those wins come from the hapless Seahawks in an exciting 6-3 game. Yes, 3 field goals was the scoring summary for that game. The 49ers, on the other hand, have the same amount of wins as the Colts, Dolphins, Seahawks, and Browns combined. Even my man-love for Colt McCoy can’t make me optimistic. Pick: 49ers-WIN
Steve Elle: 49ers-WIN
Rob Wheatley: 49ers-WIN
Darby Shaw: 49ers-WIN
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VS
Cincinnati Bengals @ Seattle Seahawks
LINE: Bengals by 3
Rob Wheatley:
The Cincinnati Bengals are famous for their use of the ‘No Huddle Offense’ back in the late 1980’s. To be honest, I have no idea what that means, I just nicked it from Wookipedia. Apparently it’s something to do with not stopping the game for a chat every twenty seconds, and having the affront to actually get on and play the bloody match without all that hugging and chest bumping and looking at clipboards and general dawdling. The NFL brought in tough rules to counter this, however, as they soon realized that without all that farting about, the games only lasted around half a minute and didn’t give the tv advertisers enough time to sell shyte to the viewing masses. Shame that. Pick: Seahawks-LOSS
Steve Elle: Seahawks-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Bengals-WIN
Darby Shaw: Bengals-WIN
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VS
Dallas Cowboys @ Philadelphia Eagles
LINE: Eagles by 4
Evil Peyton Manning:
The Eagles have a 12-0 record for games coming after the bye week, which could make this pick seem easy. The problem is that this is the first year that new player regulations mandate that players get 4 straight days off, including a weekend, in their bye. That can only lead to trouble, as the other side of the ball has a prime example of what can happen: you can end up playing golf in Florida and banging a country singer to the point that you forget how to play football during a playoff game. Speaking of which, where’s Wade Phillips been hiding? Pick: Cowboys-LOSS
Steve Elle: Eagles-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Eagles-WIN
Darby Shaw: Cowboys-LOSS
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Monday, October 31st, 2011
VS
San Diego Chargers @ Kansas City Chiefs
LINE: Chargers by 4
Darby Shaw:
Last week, the Chiefs made newly-anointed Oakland QB Carson Palmer wish for the days when TO and Ochocinco were not catching his passes. Meanwhile, Jets WR Plaxico Burress single-handedly defeated the Chargers by doing his “Occupy Wall Street” imitation and camping out in the end zone like a dirty hippie and catching every charity ball thrown his way. Expect a Monday night battle full of uninspiring play, half-assed announcing, and an audience that has largely switched over to Two Broke Girls by 8:45. Pick: Chiefs-WIN
Steve Elle: Chargers-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Chargers-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Chargers-LOSS
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RECORDS
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ANALYSTS
Darby Shaw: 54-49
Steve Elle: 53-50
Rob Wheatley: 52-51
Evil Peyton Manning: 51-52
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CONTEST
Obi-Wallace: 60-43
AmyC: 58-45
T.O.: 57-46
Beta Boy: 51-42
RickyB: 49-54
JMcG: 47-56
Corrupted Clown: 47-56
Giants Chick: 46-57
Mike Marbles Francesa: 46-57
Angelicus Rex: 36-67
La Princessa: 13-90
JohnnyO: 9-94