East Rutherford, NJ: The NFL season has begun, and so has Rex Ryan’s Wild Jet-Ride as the New York Jets, aka Cardiac Kids, defeated the Dallas Cowboys 27-24 at home in a way that left half the fans in attendance hospitalized due to cardiac arrest.
The problems began when the Jets #3 overall defense allowed Tony Romo to drive down the field for a touchdown, including a completed pass to someone Darrelle Revis was covering. The Jets promptly went three and out in their next possession.
With a non-existent rushing game to back-up an erratic passing game, the Jets managed to punt three more times before Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez, thinking it was the end of the game, drove his team down the field to score at the end of the half.
It was in the third quarter that security began receiving complaints from fans about chest pains, as the Cowboys drove down the field twice more for touchdowns.
“All sorts seemed to be rubbing their chests. Fat, skinny, men, women,” stated Meadowlands security guard Bryan Gillets. “But that’s not usually surprising when tailgating food is involved.”
Unfortunately, food was not the problem, as fan began keeling over in the fourth quarter as both teams amassed 2 lost fumbles, 2 interceptions, and a blocked punt which, magically, helped the Jets take the lead. A Cowboys faulty snap to Tony Romo in the final seconds all but locked the game for the Jets, and any fans that were still conscious. The epidemic of cardiac arrest was so overwhelming that a Cowboys fan began using a Taser to shock people’s hearts back to normal.
Being that it was only the first game, which looked eerily like every game the Jets won in the 2010 season, Jets management has begun plans to add defibrillator booths around the new Meadowlands Stadium in order to control the flux of heart-attacks cased by the Jets. Some walking vendors may also be outfitted with the devices in order to help those that cannot walk due to heart palpitations.
“It’s a matter of safety,” explained Jets general manager Mike Tannenbaum. “We need to keep our fans happy and healthy. If we can’t do it by gaining and maintaining a comfortable lead on the field, we need to be able to help fans when they’re nearly dying.”
When asked if the defibrillators are up to medical standards, Tannenbaum exclaimed, “Of course! How do you think Rex is able to stay so energized?”