Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! We’re up to the Divisional Playoffs with the scores getting tighter. Since the Seahawks won, really, anything can happen!
Saturday, January 15th, 2011
VS
Baltimore Ravens @ Pittsburgh Steelers
LINE: Steelers (PIT) by 3
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*gasp*
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Seriously, though, this will probably be the most entertaining game of the weekend. Nothing’s off the table this week: broken limbs, 300 yards in unsportsmanlike conduct penalties, both teams having so many players ejected that they have to play ironman football, Damon Wayans riding onto the field on a horse to stop an assassination attempt… anything could happen. Pick: Steelers-WIN
Rick Bernardo: With two blood-thirsty defensive units in one game, you know it’ll be a vicious game. Between the teams, I believe they’ve managed to rack up $3,450,000 in fines for illegal hits. Unfortunately, the play-by-play announcers will more more concerned trying to spot Ben Roethlisberger’s supposed engagement partner than the actual game. Oh, NBC didn’t get this game? Praise Jebus, we may actually have real analysts! Pick: Ravens-LOSS
Steve Elle: In the first of two AFC meetings between actual division rivals, the Ravens meet the Steelers in what is sure to be a heated game. Dichotomies dot this game. First there are the QB’s which pit douche bag (Roethlisberger) vs. choirboy (Flacco); WR’s which pit douche bag (Hines Ward) vs. tough guy (Anquan Boldin); LB’s which pit douche bag (James Harrison) vs. icon (Ray Lewis) and S’s which pit great (Troy Polamalu) vs. great (Ed Reed). Amidst all those DBs, a player (ironically an actual DB) who’s not embarrassing for the Steelers. At least the coaches are evenly matched with two even tempered professionals. Should be a great game. As with most of these match ups it will come down to which team can impose their will on the other. On balance I think the Ravens are the better team. Pick: Steelers-WIN
Rob Wheatley: I could do the obvious puns, like ‘you’d have to be Raven mad to think Baltimore could win this’, or ‘Pittsburgh will steal the game’, but to be honest, there’s still a few weeks left of this, and I’d have to be some sort of bloody idiot to use up such obvious comments at this stage. Dammit ! I mean it’s hard enough coming up with these words every week, but especially now we’re weeding out all the losers, it’s the same teams over and over again, so I really do need to keep something up my sleeve..Now where did I put my sleeve ? Pick: Steelers-WIN
VS
Green Bay Packers @ Atlanta Falcons
LINE: Falcons (ATL) by 3
Darby Shaw: If you were told, before the season, that one well-known QB associated with the Packers would be leading his team through the playoffs, and the other would be in trouble for sending dick pictures on his cell phone, wouldn’t you have guessed the opposite of what actually happened? More accurately, wouldn’t you have PRAYED that it wasn’t the wrinkled, forty-something pecker of Favre that was involved? Even if it meant having to listen to the “BrettFavreBrettFavreBrettFavreBrettFavre” throughout the post-season?. Pick: Packers-WIN
Rick Bernardo: I’m conflicted as to who wants to lose this game more. Look at these teams’ past playoff stats. Not pretty. Sure, Green Bay demolished the Eagles and are on a tear stemming from the regular season, but I think Matty Ice has something big to prove. And it has nothing to do with how smooth his skin is after a shave. Pick: Falcons-LOSS
Steve Elle: The Falcons have the advantage over the Packers in most areas of this game: Home field advantage, more balanced attack, well rested, good team health, etc. So why am I picking the Pack? Besides mild retardation (no comments please) I see the greatest chance for the visiting team in this game to make an impact. There will be no weather to get in the way in this game (unlike all the others) so the Pack will merely have to contend with crowd noise. And the Falcons defense, while solid, affords opportunities for the Packers to score. I think the Packers match up very well against the Falcons and I believe their defense will make more plays. Pick: Packers-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Atlanta, one of the few place names that sounds the same forwards and backwards, at least it does if you have a cleft pallette. The same cannot be said about Green Bay, which becomes Yab Neerg, which is a great name for an expensive coffee. The sort of coffee that’s been passed through the bowels of a Duck or something, maybe hand-picked by Trout, or roasted on the thighs of a virgin…Blimey, isn’t nature wonderful ! – Going to back the Packers, purely due to the imagery of a virgin’s thigh. Pick: Packers-WIN
Sunday, January 16th, 2011
VS
Seattle Seahawks @ Chicago Bears
LINE: Bears (CHI) by 10
Darby Shaw: You know, I thought I was pretty good at this “picking games” thing, right up until I had my ass handed to me the past few weeks. The Seahawks are living proof that, no matter how much you think you know, you don’t have any idea what’s going to happen. A huggy coach, a billiard-ball-domed QB who was all but washed-up, a former first-round receiver who was more interested in eating donuts than catching touchdowns, and a running game that gained fewer yards all season as a team than Jamaal Charles managed by himself. THIS is the team that’s going to wind up in the Super Bowl. (Note: I just totally jinxed them. You’re welcome, America.) Pick: Seahawks-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: This just in: the Seahawks’ entire roster was actually replaced with Pro bowl picks from teams that did not get into the playoffs. This is the only way last week’s game can be explained. Well, that and the earthquakes, floods, and raining locusts. Pick: Seahawks-LOSS
Steve Elle: Sigh, the Seahawks survive for another week. You know what? They lucked out by getting the Bears this week. The Bears can definitely be beaten. I think the Falcons and Packers would have decimated the anemic Seahawks but the (teddy) Bears are another story. It all comes down to Jay Cutler and how many mistakes he makes. The smart money says that some folks in Seattle and Chicago will be watching this game. Perhaps. But trust me, Marshawn Lynch will not be creating any earthquakes in Chicago. Pick: Bears-WIN
Rob Wheatley: It’s true that the Seahawks are the Underdogs in this one, while the Bears are certainly the Top-Cats. But will Seattle’s talons of desire rip asunder the bears-claw of success ? Can the Hawk’s feathers of victory get stuck in the big bear’s throat of despair? Do Seahawks have the pointy beaks needed to get the job done and kick Chicago’s huge hairy Ass ? Will the Seahawk’s emm, ooh, eggs of erm ooh… eggs of duty be enough to foil the err..oh stupid bloody bear ! Yes they can is the short answer. Pick: Seahawks-LOSS
VS
New York Jets @ New England Patriots
LINE: Patriots (NWE) by 9
Darby Shaw: In his press conference, Pats receiver Wes Welker made 11 references to feet, toes, or “stepping up.” Either he is having a lot of fun making backhanded references to Rex Ryan’s Youtube indiscretions, or he and Tom Brady are playing the “meow” game from Super Troopers with foot-based references. You be the judge. Pick: Patriots-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: So much is being made of the fact that Antonio Cromartie said that Tom Brady is an asshole in a press conference. What’s the big deal? He knocked someone up(which, of course, makes Cromartie an asshole himself.) He married a super-model. He wears tweed suits and a Bieber-do to hide his male-pattern baldness. He plays in New England and lives in New York City. He wears a Yankees hat in Boston. He’s a premiere quarterback making millions of dollars. OF COURSE he’s an asshole. If I had all that, I’d tattoo the word ‘asshole’ on my forehead. With liquid gold. Pick: Jets-WIN
Steve Elle: Well which one will it be? The Jets won the first early season matchup on their way to a 16-0 season that was derailed by the inconvenience of a mere 5 losses. The Pats won the second matchup near the end of the season in a game that the Jets seemed to concede about 15 seconds into the 1st quarter. Rex Ryan has made this one “personal”. I guess everything in his life is “personal” since he won’t answer questions about his actual personal life either. I guess when we’re dealing with people it is always ‘personal’ so why don’t we leave the big oaf alone? Ah, I see, it’s because he directs all the attention back to him. You’d think that his team did not consist of adult football players the way he claims to crave the attention to take the focus off of his players. Memo to Ryan, we’re more interested in the players. Really. Well, and your wife’s feet. Nah, that was a joke. But I digress. As much as Ryan might not like it, the matter of Sunday’s victor will actually come down to the football game that will be played. I’m sure the Jets will endeavor to be ready. I am certain the Patriots will. Pick: Patriots-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: New York and New England, both have something to prove here. They both need to prove who is the winner of the game, and there’s only one way they can do this, and that’s with a game of NFL . Kick that ball, leap those hurdles, vault that pole, fire that arrow,shoot…hang on, who left all this bloody sports-kit over the field ? Get shot of it, there’s a football game on ! Where was I ? Oh yeah, a game of two halves (and then another two), it’s all over until the fat bloke sings and probably long after, the cliches pile up but will the goals ? Well I don’t know, the game hasn’t been played yet..I’m not a mind-reader..Flippin’ ‘eck, you want blood you lot.. Pick: Patriots-LOSS
RECORDS
This Week
Darby Shaw: 2-2
Rick Bernardo: 1-3
Steve Elle: 3-1
Rob Wheatley: 2-2
Total
Steve Elle: 152-112
Rob Wheatley: 146-118
Rick Bernardo: 143-121
Darby Shaw: 142-122