Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! The regular season ended with Steve Elle having a commanding lead, but it’s not over yet. Playoffs, Super Bowl, Pro Bowl, and draft inductions may still play a part in who gets the trophy!
Saturday, January 8th, 2011
VS
New Orleans Saints @ Seattle Seahawks
LINE: Saints (NOR) by 11
Darby Shaw: I haven’t seen a line that large since they hung a sign that read “Get a Free Blow!” outside the SportsCuts. Turns out, they meant complimentary hair drying, much to my disappointment… and when I asked for a happy ending, they had me arrested. But I digress. Pundits are clamoring for playoff seeding, after lowly Seattle “earned” a home game against the 11-5 defending Super Bowl champs. This effort is misguided, however. I believe that any Division III college football team that wins their division deserves a home game in the playoffs. Pick: Saints-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Introducing the first team in NFL history to win their Division with a losing record: the Seattle Seahawks! Not only do they brandish a 7-9 record and the leftovers of the Buffalo Bills(Lynch), the New York Jets(Washington), and the greater state of California, but they have home field advantage against the 11-5 Saints. And if the NFC Championship somehow comes down to the Seahawks against the Packers, the Seahawks will once again have home field advantage! You know what? I’m a believer, because shit got way too crazy to think otherwise. Pick: Seahawks-WIN
Steve Elle: In an epic battle of 11-5 teams, the Saints take on the, er, let’s start over: in a battle between the defending Super Bowl champion New Orleans Saints (who just lost to the 10-6 Bucs who also just plastered these same Seahawks – just sayin’) and the fine 7-9 Seattle Seahawks squad, oh, I just can’t do it; I can’t pretend this is playoff caliber football. The Seahawks are bad. They have the very good fortune to play in the NFC West. The NFC West is bad. The Seahawks would lose to every team that qualified for the playoffs and obviously a few that didn’t since they’ve already mastered this feat, losing, 9 times this season. The Saints qualified for the playoffs. Need I say more? Pick: Saints-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: This match could be seen as a critique of the ‘Creationism vs Evolution’ debate. On one side, you have the Saints, representing the Catholic Church in all its Popely goodness, sticking to their ‘God did it in a day’ line. On the other is the mighty Seahawk, surely the pinnacle of evolutionary adaptation with its ability for predatory swoopage and general squawking. They say God sees all, but I rather think he’ll bee looking the other way as his beloved Saints take a sound pounding under Seattles Hawkish wings. Pick: Seahawks-WIN
VS
New York Jets @ Indianapolis Colts
LINE: Colts (IND) by 3
Darby Shaw: I think that, next season, Rob and Rex Ryan should secretly switch places and see if anyone notices. You know, Rex could throw on a couple pounds again, Rob could GET A GODDAMNED HAIRCUT (hippie) and quietly trade jobs. If Rex pulls the Cleveland defense out of the crapper, he could cement his reputation as a defensive genius. And if Rob puts his foot in his mouth every time a camera is on him, we’ll know it’s a Ryan family genetic trait. Pick: Colts-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: While Rex Ryan may not have put a muzzle on himself, most Jet fans are keeping quiet about their predictions about this game. Call it the humility of not winning a Super Bowl in this lifetime, but I predict a really good game. From who I don’t know, nor will I. I can’t deal with the Cardiac Kids this weekend. If you need me, I’ll be watching Keanu Reeves in The Replacements with my Revis jersey on. Pick: Jets-WIN
Steve Elle: Mike Florio from profootballtalk.com has reported that the Colts are going to wear a large patch with a picture of Ms. Ryan’s lovely tootsies stitched into it. This is in an effort to confuse and further incense the Jets coaching staff. Rex Ryan has vowed ‘revenge’ against these Colts. Revenge? This makes as much sense as a gaggle of donuts claiming revenge on Rex Ryan; it’s that stupid. However, I think the Jets might win. By picking the Jets I hope to cut my losses. I’ll take the victory if they win but will actually be happier if the Colts destroy the Jets and then urinate into their helmets while tripping, and then pointing and laughing at their buffoon of a head coach. It’s the little things. Pick: Colts-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: There’s a car being built here in Britain at the moment, with the intention of breaking the world land speed record. The combination of a rocket and a JET engine is going to produce something in the region of 35,000 horsepower, count em if you dare. A COLT is a horse, and a small one at that. Horses have 1 horsepower. Pathetic ! The Colts will get trampled into the dust, which is ironic, really, as we generally associate Horses with trampling, not Jet engines, they haven’t even got hooves! Pick: Jets-WIN
Sunday, January 9th, 2011
VS
Baltimore Ravens @ Kansas City Chiefs
LINE: Ravens (BAL) by 3
Darby Shaw: Don’t get me wrong… in a season where I expected 6 wins as a Chiefs fan, making the playoffs is awesome and anything else is just gravy. But the Ravens scare the crap out of me. Joe Flacco’s fierce stare from under that intimidating unibrow… Boldin’s eerie Frankenface… and Ray Lewis just MURDERING opposing offenses (what, did the statute of limitations expire on murder jokes with him?), I sure as hell wish we were playing against Mark “Winning Doesn’t Really Matter To Me” Sanchez. Pick: Chiefs-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: You know there are people out there crying for a Cassel vs. Brady Super Bowl. It would make some decent hype, no question, but do we really have to wait that long for hype? I think it should be mandated that Matt Cassel and the rest of the Chiefs wear Jabber-Jaw costumes until they lose, to show how little respect they have been given. Don’t worry about the players getting too hot in the outfits, tho. They won’t make it out of this weekend. Pick: Ravens-WIN
Steve Elle: In a battle of coaches, John Harbaugh would beat Todd Haley 16 times out of 16. The variable here is the rest of the team. Todd Haley is a volatile, narcissistic, fearful and envious coach. There are many of those at the pro level. Harbaugh is his opposite and so hopefully he wins one for the good (or at least competent) guys. Oh yeah, there are teams involved, too. The Ravens are better, simple as that. Pick: Ravens-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Did you know it is possible to make your own Raven using just a Blackbird and a balloon? Never try the same trick on a Chief, however, it will just serve to annoy him. Not only that, but there’s very little chance of getting your balloon back in any useable state. Technically speaking, you should never try this on a Blackbird either, it’s just plain cruel. Pick: Ravens-WIN
VS
Green Bay Packers @ Philadelphia Eagles
LINE: Eagles (PHI) by 3
Darby Shaw: Okay, now that the media is done giving Mike Vick a regular-season-long handjob, it’s time to hop off the Ron Mexico Bandwagon. He was always a threat during the regular season. But now that he’ll be playing quality defenses every week whose only goal is to stop him, expect another of his 52% completion, 1 TD-to-1 INT ratio, with a half-dozen panicky scrambles that get him creamed, sort of days. But good news… the sooner his season is over, the sooner his agent can start clamoring for a new contract like Vick is a respected member of the NFL community and not a SOULLESS DOG KILLER. Sorry, too soon? Pick: Packers-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Somehow, the Packers are pegged as the scariest team in the NFC playoffs, and I believe it. The fact alone that Brett Favre has driven the Pack through the playoffs before shows the elite nature of this team. Oh crap, I did it again, didn’t I. BrettFavreBrettFavreBrettFavre… Pick: Packers-WIN
Steve Elle: My upset special. All signs generally point to the Eagles at home but I think the Packers will come to play. Aaron Rodgers was inexplicably passed over for the Pro Bowl. He’s too much of a pro to let that affect him but I think the feel good parade ends for Mike Vick on Sunday. Pick: Packers-WIN
Rob Wheatley: It’s hard to write about this game, mainly because I’ve already used up all my bird related imagery with the Seahawaks and Ravens matches. As for the Packers, what can I possibly invent around that? Ooh, how exciting, somebody packing something..and I already did that in week 1, and against the Eagles no less. This isn’t easy you know, especially as I’m still sober! Pick: Packers-WIN
RECORDS
This Week
Darby Shaw: 1-3
Rick Bernardo: 4-0
Steve Elle: 2-2
Rob Wheatley: 4-0
Total
Steve Elle: 149-111
Rob Wheatley: 144-116
Rick Bernardo: 142-118
Darby Shaw: 140-120