Atlanta, GA: Recent rumors of Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger’s engagement to Ashley Harlan have begun circulating these past 24 hours, along with critiques on how anyone, female, male, or eunuch, could possibly say yes.
Sources from the Atlanta Court of Appeals have confirmed “an engagement” Roethlisberger’s, but one far less romantic than anyone could imagine, less so than getting tanked up and led into a public restroom.
“What many people fail to realize is that no proper ruling had been made on the sexual misconduct case that Benjamin Roethlisberger was involved in,” stated Judge David Cromson. “That is, until just recently. Mr. Roethlisberger was given an ultimatum that goes along with our core, Southern values: marry the girl, or get married on the cell-block.”
The idea of a shotgun wedding is as old as the institution of marriage itself. Throughout history, when a man and woman have a sexual relationship not mandated by marriage, it has been known to happen that the woman would lose some respectability in society. Currently this is merely known as the Paris Syndrome. Normally the shotgun marriage arrangement is instituted by the father of the woman in question. While pregnancy is the usual cause of such arrangements(i.e. Bristol Palin), this is only because of the obviousness of sexual contact.
The shotgun-esque nature of Roethlisberger’s engagement could be the reason why the quarterback will not answer any questions about the recent events.
“I think it’s a good decision on his part,” stated New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. “If I had the choice of wearing a tuxedo to a wedding or a wedding dress in prison, I’d opt for the tux. Luckily, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts doesn’t employ shotgun practices, or else I never would have had a chance with Giselle. I would have been stuck marrying what’s-her-name, you know…the mother of my kid.”