Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to key games. We’re getting down to the wire. Let’s see if it gets any easier.
Thursday, December 23rd, 2010
VS
Carolina Panthers @ Pittsburgh Steelers
LINE: Steelers (PIT) by 15
Rob Wheatley
Heartless Present
Heartless Serpent,Lathers Pretenses
Slattern Herpeses
Slasher Repent Set
Slasher Resent Pet,Slasher Enters Pet
Slattern Herpeses
Thank Invisible Pineapples for online anagram generators, or “Gran’ma’s onion Gynaecologists” as we like to call them.. plus or minus a few letters..
Oh yeah, Gonna go with “The Pants” on this one..Panthers WIN unexpectedly ! Pick: Panthers-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Pick: Panthers-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Panthers-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Steelers-WIN
Saturday, December 25th, 2010
VS
Dallas Cowboys @ Arizona Cardinals
LINE: Cowboys (DAL) by 7
Darby Shaw
This game used to be uninteresting to every person outside of Texas because one of the teams was horrible. Now it’s uninteresting because both teams are horrible. That’s progress for you. Pick: Cowboys-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Cowboys-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Cowboys-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Cowboys-LOSS
Sunday, December 26th, 2010
VS
New England Patriots @ Buffalo Bills
LINE: Patriots (NWE) by 9
Darby Shaw
It was very generous of the NFL to give New England a bye week, this late in the season. Couldn’t they have at least played the game in Toronto, just to add SOME element of intrigue? That way, I could plant five pounds of pot in Tom Brady’s duffel bag and get him detained at the border. Err, hypothetically speaking. Pick: Patriots-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Patriots-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Patriots-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Bills-LOSS
VS
New York Jets @ Chicago Bears
LINE: Bears (CHI) by 1
Rick Bernardo
This grid-iron game will be quit a fight for footage….bah. The Jets are set to declaw the Bears with a pedi….ugh. When dealing with Devin Hester, let’s hope the Jets stay on their toes…I give up. Pick: Bears-WIN
Darby Shaw: Pick: Jets-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Jets-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Jets-LOSS
VS
Baltimore Ravens @ Cleveland Browns
LINE: Ravens (BAL) by 4
Darby Shaw: Pick: Ravens-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Ravens-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Ravens-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Browns-LOSS
VS
Tennessee Titans @ Kansas City Chiefs
LINE: Chiefs (KAN) by 5
Rob Wheatley
Yeah yeah yeah, you can snigger at “snif tits ache”, but we just did the anagram jokes.. Look, there’s a football game on..take it seriously.
“Fistin cheat”, there’s another one. As William Shakespeare once implied, (or was that William Shatner?), Titans suck.
Bet on the Chiefs, bet everything you own and anything you can steal or borrow, go on, it’s Christmas. Chiefs WIN convincingly. Pick: Chiefs-WIN
Darby Shaw: Pick: Chiefs-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Chiefs-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Chiefs-WIN
VS
San Francisco 49ers @ St. Louis Rams
LINE: Rams (STL) by 2
Rick Bernardo
This, right here, is a game of mammoth importance. The Rams are leading the NFC West turtle race with a 6-8 record, meaning, if they win out, they will win the division with a .500 winning percentage. The 49ers are 5-8, but still have a shot if they win this game, as they play their division rival Cardinals in the final week of the season. The Seahawks, at 6-8, are in position to take the division if they beat the Bucs, and beat the Rams next week. EVEN THE ARIZONA CARDINALS, with their 4-10 record, can win the division if the 49ers and Rams tie, they beat the Cowboys on Christmas and the 49ers next week, the Seahawks lose to the Bucs this week, and the Seahawks tie with the Rams next week. Now THIS is fucking FOOTBALL!!! Pick: Rams-WIN
Darby Shaw: Pick: Rams-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Rams-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Rams-WIN
VS
Detroit Lions @ Miami Dolphins
LINE: Dolphins (MIA) by 4
Steve Elle
After an impressive win against the Bucs last week, the Lions are now loaded for Dolphin. And as a 180 degree turn from my usual hopes re: the mammals (why retards continually refer to them as “the fish” I’ll never know) I am hoping for a Lions slaughter. Why? Because things need to change in Miami. A “very convenient” late season rally should not change this. Here’s hoping the rally doesn’t start Sunday. Pick: Dolphins-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Pick: Dolphins-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Dolphins-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Dolphins-LOSS
VS
Washington Redskins @ Jacksonville Jaguars
LINE: Jaguars (JAC) by 7
Darby Shaw: Pick: Redskins-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Jaguars-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Jaguars-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Redskins-WIN
VS
San Diego Chargers @ Cincinnati Bengals
LINE: Chargers (SDG) by 8
Darby Shaw: Pick: Chargers-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Chargers-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Chargers-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Chargers-LOSS
VS
Houston Texans @ Denver Broncos
LINE: Texans (HOU) by 3
Steve Elle
Really, there’s nothing to talk about here aside from Timmy T. If the Broncos could somehow clone him they’d have a winner. But they can’t. However, with T.T. taking over, the Broncos now have one of the most impressive post game praying kneel downs in the NFL. And since T.T. won’t get any practice kneeling at the end of a Broncos victory, it’s important that he practices his kneel after the games. Pick: Texans-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Pick: Texans-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Texans-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Broncos-WIN
VS
Indianapolis Colts @ Oakland Raiders
LINE: Colts (IND) by 3
Rob Wheatley
Aah, Festivus at The Owl, and with wine lethally mulled and eggs firmly nogged, I take a moment to reflect on what eggs and wine have to do with this game ? Ah, then I remember, the perfect Wintervaloid gift of a shiny new gun, a Colt. A symbol of America, the police of the world. Now what would make that gift perfect ? Someone to shoot at. Yeah, like a Raider in the night. As long as he doesn’t have a long white beard and isn’t coming down your chimney (???) it’s safe to shoot. And shoot to kill. Happy Fesdiwalivus. Colt with a shot to the brain and WIN. Pick: Colts-WIN
Darby Shaw: Pick: Colts-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Colts-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Colts-WIN
VS
New York Giants @ Green Bay Packers
LINE: EVEN
Rick Bernardo
Sources say that, after the burnout by the Giants last week, quarterback Eli Manning had some inspiring words for his teammates in a players-only meeting. That he spoke clearly at all was probably inspiring enough. Pick: Packers-WIN
Darby Shaw: Pick: Giants-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Giants-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Packers-WIN
VS
Seattle Seahawks @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
LINE: Buccaneers (TAM) by 6
Steve Elle
The Bucs have to beat the Seahawks to even sniff the playoffs. The Saints have to lose their next two (after losing last week) to not sniff the playoffs. That last game is against the Bucs. The likelihood of Tampa winning out and the Saints losing 3 in a row is small but [fingers crossed] it could happen. Then the lucky Bucs would go up against a likely superior team (given the rash of injuries) at their home stadium as a wildcard entry. What I’m trying to say is the Bucs are going to the Super Bowl. Count on it. Pick: Bucs-WIN
Darby Shaw: Pick: Bucs-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Bucs-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Bucs-WIN
VS
Minnesota Vikings @ Philadelphia Eagles
LINE: EVEN
Darby Shaw
This is the NFL’s “flex” game, where they can choose the most impactful game to televise in prime time. So naturally, they went with Colts-Raiders, with both teams fighting for their playoff lives. Err, what? Okay, they picked the Giants-Packers, which features two teams fighting for wild card spots (and potentially division crowns). What? They picked the FUCKING Vikes-Eagles game? Really? One team a virtual lock for the playoffs, and the other all but eliminated? Because we haven’t heard the names “Brett Favre” and “Mike Vick” ENOUGH yet? Assclowns. Pick: Eagles-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Eagles-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Eagles-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Eagles-LOSS
Monday, December 27th, 2010
VS
New Orleans Saints @ Atlanta Falcons
LINE: Falcons (ATL) by 3
Darby Shaw: Pick: Saints-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Falcons-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Saints-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Saints-WIN
RECORDS
This Week
Darby Shaw: 8-8
Rick Bernardo: 8-8
Steve Elle: 8-8
Rob Wheatley: 8-8
Total
Steve Elle: 138-102
Rob Wheatley: 133-107
Rick Bernardo: 130-110
Darby Shaw: 130-110