Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to key games. After the raping and pillaging of our picks last week, our pseduo-professional sports analysts are out with a vengeance.
Thursday, December 16th, 2010
VS
San Francisco 49ers @ San Diego Chargers
LINE: Chargers (SDG) by 9
Rick Bernardo
Normally this would be an easy game to make a pick on, but the only reciever Phillip Rivers seems to have is Norv Turner. And so the soap opera of the West Coast continues… Pick: 49ers-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Pick: Chargers-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Chargers-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Chargers-WIN
Sunday, December 19th, 2010
VS
Cleveland Browns @ Cincinnati Bengals
LINE: Bengals (CIN) by 1
Darby Shaw
The downside to living in Ohio: having to watch this matchup twice a year. Oh, plus, snow. And cold. And crappy highways. And rednecks who think Truck Nuts are the highest form of individual expression. But mostly, the Bengals-Browns game. Pick: Bengals-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Browns-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Browns-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Bengals-WIN
VS
Washington Redskins @ Dallas Cowboys
LINE: Cowboys (DAL) by 6
Rob Wheatley
Aah, Cowboys and Indians, the classic American movie match-up. What with it being nearly Christmas and all that jazz, the TV will endlessly be playing old movies to fill the schedules at a minimum cost. Gunfire, flaming arrows, whooping, scalping, whoring, cattle-theft and bigotry all play a huge part in my celebrations. What ? There’s a football game on ? Whatever will they think of next? Those crazy Americans ! Redskins WIN Pick: Redskins-WIN
Darby Shaw: Pick: Redskins-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Cowboys-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Cowboys-LOSS
VS
Houston Texans @ Tennessee Titans
LINE: Titans (TEN) by 2
Darby Shaw: Pick: Texans-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Texans-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Texans-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Titans-WIN
VS
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Indianapolis Colts
LINE: Colts (IND) by 5
Darby Shaw: Pick: Jaguars-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Jaguars-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Colts-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Jaguars-LOSS
VS
Kansas City Chiefs @ St. Louis Rams
LINE: EVEN
Darby Shaw
To be fair, when I picked the Chiefs to win last week, it was before I knew that Matt Cassel was having some miscellaneous organ surgically removed from his person. It was also before I knew that the offense was 100% dependent upon the presence of Matt Cassel in the lineup. Live and learn. Pick: Rams-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Rams-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Chiefs-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Chiefs-WIN
VS
Buffalo Bills @ Miami Dolphins
LINE: Dolphins (MIA) by 6
Steve Elle
The dichotomy of the QB’s in this game couldn’t be more glaring. The Bills’ Fitzpatrick is a Harvard alum, which means the Wonderlic test was, for him, akin to tying his shoes. On the other side, Chad Henne, who clearly got into Michigan on a full athletic scholarship, is one of the lower testing Wonderlic testees (er, isn’t that how a past tester is represented? Haha, ok, I just wanted to call him a teste, and that was the easiest way ) QB’s in recent history. This does not, on its own, make Henne retarded and Fitzpatrick a genius. However, watching them play on their respective teams, coincidentally, one might think that Henne is retarded and Fitzpatrick is a genius. However, in the NFL, sometimes retards rule. Sometimes. Pick: Dolphins-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Pick: Dolphins-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Dolphins-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Dolphins-LOSS
VS
Philadelphia Eagles @ New York Giants
LINE: Giants (NYG) by 3
Darby Shaw: Pick: Eagles-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Giants-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Eagles-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Giants-LOSS
VS
Detroit Lions @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
LINE: Buccaneers (TAM) by 6
Steve Elle
The Lions have Calvin Johnson; the Bucs have Mike Williams. The Lions have Ndamakong Suh; the Bucs have Gerald McCoy. In a cast; the Lions have Ford Field; the Bucs have Raymond James Stadium with 65,000 rabid fans (cumulatively, over the course of several games); on paper this one is a no brainer. But I still think the Bucs will find a way. Pick: Bucs-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Pick: Bucs-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Bucs-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Lions-WIN
VS
Arizona Cardinals @ Carolina Panthers
LINE: Cardinals (ARI) by 3
Rob Wheatley
Now this is an obvious rip-off of another festive film I’ve seen. Ben Hurr I think, anyway, great Chariot race and then a whole bunch of what look like Woodstock victims, but are in fact Hollywood representations of ‘Christians’, get fed to a Lion. The Cardinal and The Panther is some sort of modern day remake. I imagine they’ll have to CGI the Cardinal in to make it safe for kids or something. Anyway, the Panther WINS cos it got big teeth. Pick: Panthers-WIN
Darby Shaw: Pick: Panthers-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Panthers-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Panthers-WIN
VS
New Orleans Saints @ Baltimore Ravens
LINE: Ravens (BAL) by 1
Darby Shaw: Pick: Saints-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Ravens-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Ravens-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Ravens-WIN
VS
Atlanta Falcons @ Seattle Seahawks
LINE: Falcons (ATL) by 7
Rob Wheatley
There’s only one thing this game is about. Beaks. Beaks and feathers. Two things, talons and beaks. And feathers. (Who said ‘Eggs’?). Yes folks, a big beaky mass of talons and feathers, flapping away like some big ball of flappy beaky birds, squawking over an egg. (Oh, there is an egg after all). But it’s ultimately going to depend on which team can get the most points, and I think that really will be the crucial factor here in deciding who wins and who loses. Or draws. Seahawks, you can do it ! WIN Seahawks ! Pick: Seahawks-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Pick: Falcons-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Falcons-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Falcons-WIN
VS
Denver Broncos @ Oakland Raiders
LINE: Raiders (OAK) by 7
Steve Elle
With Tebow starting for the Broncos, there’s no way in hell they can lose! Oh, sorry – no way in heck. Though Josh McDaniels is no longer around to hold Timmy’s hand and pray with him after the game, Tebow should be able to muster some offense out of his fresh body at this point in the season. The problem is ‘some offense’ might not get the job done. More importantly, there is a strong message that has an easy answer for all Broncos fans, and actually fans throughout the entire NFL. I’ll let you guess the question, but here is the answer (also in the form of a question, Jeopardy! style): WWTD? Pick: Raiders-WIN
Darby Shaw: Pick: Broncos-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Raiders-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Broncos-LOSS
VS
New York Jets @ Pittsburgh Steelers
LINE: Steelers (PIT) by 6
Rick Bernardo
If Jets strength and conditioning coach Sal Alosi had stuck his knee out to trip up Ben Roethlisberger, none of this backlash would have happened against the Jets. In fact, the rest of the NFL would have a party, and we’d have another “Big Ben Banged Up” animated gif. Even so, look for the Steelers to keep their punt coverage routes away from the Jets sidelines. Pick: Steelers-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Pick: Steelers-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Steelers-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Steelers-LOSS
VS
Green Bay Packers @ New England Patriots
LINE: EVEN
Darby Shaw
Do you think that, after each sack, Clay Matthews will ask Tom Brady for hair tips? Pick: Patriots-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Patriots-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Patriots-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Patriots-WIN
Monday, December 20th, 2010
VS
Chicago Bears @ Minnesota Vikings
LINE: EVEN
Rick Bernardo
Finally, the Vikings can take a breath and figure out if Tavaris Jackson can become their next franchise quarterback. Oh, my bad. He went on IR in the 3rd quater last week. But GOOD NEWS EVERYONE! BRETT FAVRE WANTS TO PLAY! Let’s hope they “fixed” the Metrodome so that a big block of ice crushes his legs. It won’t matter. He’ll be playing in a wheelchair until he’s 70 anyway. Pick: Bears-WIN
Darby Shaw: Pick: Bears-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Bears-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Bears-WIN
RECORDS
This Week
Darby Shaw: 8-8
Rick Bernardo: 6-10
Steve Elle: 10-6
Rob Wheatley: 10-6
Total
Steve Elle: 130-94
Rob Wheatley: 125-99
Rick Bernardo: 122-102
Darby Shaw: 122-102