Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to key games. Our token British guy has taken the lead, the man who doesn’t even follow the football of the rest of the world. Let’s see how he and the rest of them fare this week.
Sunday, October 24th, 2010
VS
Cincinnati Bengals @ Atlanta Falcons
LINE: Falcons(ATL) by 4
Rick Bernardo
This game has an almost “I learned something today” feel to it. By the end of the game, Carson Palmer will be calm and collected, “ice” some may say, while Ocho Cinco and T.O. allow themselves to become key players in a team-designed offensive unit led by a steady running-back. By the way, did I mention my coffee tasted a bit funny today? At, least before my mug turned into a unicorn and vomited in my lap. Pick: Falcons-WIN
Darby Shaw: Pick: Bengals-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Bengals-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Falcons-WIN
VS
Washington Redskins @ Chicago Bears
LINE: Bears (CHI) by 3
Darby Shaw: Pick: Redskins-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Redskins-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Redskins-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Redskins-WIN
VS
Philadelphia Eagles @ Tennessee Titans
LINE: Titans(TEN) by 3
Darby Shaw
In the NFL, there’s a saying: “If you have two starting quarterbacks, you have none.” Coach Andy Reid takes a slightly different philosophy: “If you have two starting quarterbacks, you yank the job from the starter when he gets injured and give it to the backup, and when the backup gets injured, you put in the original starter but don’t give him the starting job back.” Yes, that’s a run-on sentence. Have you ever heard Coach Reid talk? Pick: Titans-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Titans-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Eagles-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Titans-WIN
VS
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Kansas City Chiefs
LINE: EVEN
Rob Wheatley
Well I’ve been checking out the Jaguars’ form, and it seems that not one of their players has been arrested for drunk-driving, dog-beating, cake-icing, or any other hyphenated-misdemeanor, and it’s almost halfway through the season. Pick: Chiefs-WIN
Darby Shaw: Pick: Chiefs-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Chiefs-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Chiefs-WIN
VS
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Miami Dolphins
LINE: Steelers(PIT) by 3
Steve Elle
With the black and gold (which looks suspiciously like yellow) heading to south Florida, the biggest news will be focused on resident Steeler thug, James Harrison. Why? Because Harrison knocked out two Browns players last Sunday and was subsequently fined by the NFL for his illegal hits. Harrison was penalized more than other players because he was a repeat offender. Oh the humanity! Apparently Harrison (rumored to have scored a lonely 3 on the Wonderlic) and his agent do not understand the reasoning behind this fundamental logic. Anyway, Harrison threatened to retire shortly after this announcement but was then able to summon enough neurological connectivity from the cobwebbed neurons in his echo chamber of a brain to realize that no other job on this particular planet will pay him millions of dollars a year, so Harris and his tear stained jersey will be there on Sunday. Small favors. Here’s hoping Miami makes him cry for a more legitimate reason. Pick: Dolphins-WIN
Darby Shaw: Pick: Steelers-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Steelers-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Dolphins-WIN
VS
Cleveland Browns @ New Orleans Saints
LINE: Saints(NOR) by 14
Darby Shaw
Drew Brees’ wife just popped out another kid; apparently, the Brees family is trying to single-handedly repopulate the city of New Orleans. And since the NFL has given them a cupcake schedule to waltz back into the Super Bowl, he’s going to want to start buying kid-sized noise canceling headphones in bulk. Pick: Saints-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Browns-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Browns-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Saints-LOSS
VS
St. Louis Rams @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
LINE: Bucs(TAM) by 3
Steve Elle
In a battle of hopeful mid tier teams, the Bucs hope to rebound from a spanking at the hands of the Super Bowl champs. The upstart Rams make the rare trip to Tampa in hopes of handing the ball off to Steven Jackson and then handing it off some more. And if the Bucs don’t have an answer for that it will make for a long afternoon. But it has been rumored that the Bucs finally have enough data from the 2010 season (culled from 5 games worth of second to last in the league rush defense lowlights) to fix some fundamental errors and perhaps even force a, gulp, punt. Pick: Bucs-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Pick: Bucs-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Rams-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Rams-WIN
VS
San Francisco 49ers @ Carolina Panthers
LINE: 49ers(SFO) by 3
Rob Wheatley
It’s no surprise that Panthers is an anagram of She Pants, even if it isn’t. It’s also an angram of Herpes, and Phartens. Especially Phartens. Loose you Phartens ! Pick: 49ers-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Pick: 49ers-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: 49ers-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: 49ers-LOSS
VS
Buffalo Bills @ Baltimore Ravens
LINE: Ravens(BAL) by 14
Rick Bernardo
On a personal note, I will actually be attending a Bills home game in December. To help fulfill my duties as a satirical writer, please contact me if you have a Scott Norwood jersey in your possession that is not being used to clean up rat poop. Pick: Bills-WIN
Darby Shaw: Pick: Bills-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Ravens-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Ravens-LOSS
VS
Arizona Cardinals @ Seattle Seahawks
LINE: Seahawks(SEA) by 6
Rick Bernardo
The world is giddy with anticipation as these two powerhouse teams fight for control of first place in the NFC West! Yeah. Two 3-2 teams in first place. But it gets better! Whoever loses will be tied for second place with the Rams, while the 49ers, prospective team of the year, are still dwelling in the basement at 1-5. I think Darby mentioned this before, but seriously…can we just detach the West Coast and let it float off to oblivion? Pick: Who fucking cares? Seahawks-WIN
Darby Shaw: Pick: Cardinals-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Seahawks-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Cardinals-LOSS
VS
Oakland Raiders @ Denver Broncos
LINE: Broncos(DEN) by 9
Darby Shaw: Pick: Broncos-LOSS
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Raiders-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Broncos-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Raiders-WIN
VS
New England Patriots @ San Diego Chargers
LINE: Chargers(SDG) by 3
Darby Shaw
Dear Tom Brady: Cut your hair. Seriously. We’ve had enough. You’re rich and you have a hot model wife. You don’t need to look like you got the $5 special from SuperCuts. If Justin Beiber makes fun of you, it’s bad. If that mockery leads you into the Land of the Mullet, well… there’s no hope for you. Pick: Patriots-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Patriots-WIN
Steve Elle: Pick: Patriots-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Patriots-WIN
VS
Minnesota Vikings @ Green Bay Packers
LINE: Packers(GNB) by 3
Rob Wheatley
Wouldn’t it be great to be Chekov out of Star Trek, you could say “Wikings”. “I vant the Wikins to vin, Wikings for wiktory, they have the adwantage and the wigour”. But you would be vrong! The Vikesters are seriously vucked this weekend as the Packers kick for glory! Pick: Packers-WIN
Darby Shaw: Pick: Packers-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Vikings-LOSS
Steve Elle: Pick: Packers-WIN
Monday, October 25th, 2010
VS
New York Giants @ Dallas Cowboys
LINE: Cowboys(DAL) by 4
Steve Elle
I am incapable of liking the Cowboys and thus find it easy to adopt the team they’re playing on Monday much like a Big Brother does. Call it an altruistic streak. That said, I reserve judgment not to do this with the Jets. Anyway, if both teams play to potential I think the Giants handle them fairly easily. Even if Wade Philips were somehow able to conjure up enough voodoo to have the Cowboys win this season out, he will still not be back next year. Jon Gruden, here you come. Pick: Giants-WIN
Darby Shaw: Pick: Giants-WIN
Rick Bernardo: Pick: Giants-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Pick: Giants-WIN
RECORDS
This Week
Darby Shaw: 7-7
Rick Bernardo: 11-3
Steve Elle: 8-6
Rob Wheatley: 10-4
Total
Rob Wheatley: 60-44
Darby Shaw: 56-48
Steve Elle: 55-49
Rick Bernardo: 52-52