For nearly two years, the Tea Party Movement has inspired thousands of uneducated and easily misled citizens of the United States to take to the streets in order to protest several federal laws that they, the members of the movement, do not fully understand and couldn’t possibly comprehend, due to their extremely low IQs. Now, it appears, that the movement has inspired Lipton, the century old company known for its expertise in flavored teas, to bring about a change of its own.
“We are considering changing the name of our product, tea, in order to disassociate ourselves from the Tea Party Movement, lest it appear as if the beverage supports their unfounded causes,” said Stacey Annepard, President of Lipton.
When asked about possible alternatives to “tea,” Ms. Annepard offered “cured leaf beverage,” “caffeine water,” and “tisane,” which is, according to Annepard, “another word for herbal tea.” These alternative names, along with a few others, are currently being considered by the Lipton Board of Directors.
“It’s a good move,” said Joshua Flowhammer, analyst for the Tea Growers of America (a group also considering a name change). “Tea sales have dropped 40% since the Tea Party Movement because educated people don’t want to be associated with those morons in the movement. If we change the name, chances are, we can garner more sales.”
“Ain’t nothing wrong with the Tea Party Movement,” said Bucky Bullballs, Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan in Duluth, Minnesota. “So I don’t know why they want to change the name of tea. My guess is that the terrorist, sorry, president, Barracks Obama Bin Laden pressured them to do so. Him and his muslims. Did you know he was muslim? True story.”
“I’m fine with the name change,” said Augustus Preelup of Birmingham, Alabama and Tea Party Movement supporter. “We don’t want to be associated with tea nohow. I don’t like the color. It’s too dark, if you ask me. I don’t like anything that’s dark. Especially the coloreds. Maybe they should change the name to ‘Negro Juice’ or something.”
Preelup then launched into a fit on uncontrollable laughter and choked to death on his chewing tobacco. The Tea Party Movement is officially blaming this on Lipton and Obama’s Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008.