New York, NY: The iPhone 4, also known as the Jesus Phone, was released today. In anticipation of this religious event, more than six hundred people with nothing better to do lined up outside of Apple’s flagship store in Manhattan in order to get their hands on the new device.
Some of the followers arrived more than twenty-four hours ahead of time just to guarantee a spot in the line outside of the iconic
Fifth Avenue store – a line that stretched for more than a city block. AOL, in order to sway some of the sheep to join the Time Warner flock, handed out free cupcakes.
Karl Kosma arrived 27 hours before the store was to make the iPhone 4 available, and swore on the Apple bible that the wait was well worth it. When asked what was so special about the phone, he took a few moments to consider the question, as if unsure.
“The screen resolution is better,” he said. “And the phone is faster. I think.”
When asked what he did for a living, Karl shrugged and answered, “This.”
Joe Duffy, 43, arrived at 4:00 a.m. to join the throng. He had the appearance of someone who had just climbed out of bed.
“I knew it would sell out and be really popular. I’m lucky to get the spot I did,” Duffy said. “So I just skipped the whole shower, shave, and brushing teeth thing. I need this phone.”
According to Duffy, this will be his fourth iPhone. He has upgraded faithfully every year and promises to continue to do so until the day he dies. “I love Steve Jobs. Like, I really love him. He’s like, um, Jesus and Brad Pitt combined into one piece of beautiful man meat.”
As Duffy daydreamed about what he’d like to do with Jobs in the bedroom, Evan Wiendczak, 18, became the first customer to leave the store with a phone. The look on young Evan’s face was that of sheer rapture.
“I have it!” he screamed. “I have the holy grail of phones in my hand! Oh my God.”
Wiendczak then fainted. Luckily, he was caught by Duffy, who licked Wiendczak’s phone before the younger man regained consciousness. The two men, mutual in their love for all things Apple, embraced for several minutes.
35 year-old Peter Iriducci, on his way to work, paused briefly to review the scene.
“Jesus Christ,” he muttered. “It’s nothing but a goddamn phone.”
Iriducci was then struck down by a bolt of lightning.