New York, NY: This past week, both models and fashion designers alike left their chambers of suspended animation to bring Fashion Week to the world once again.
As always, the designs of the season showed the world’s population how behind the times they were in just one season. Calvin Klein models sported a braid-fringed thong on the runway, 
whereas the winter thong featured a more balanced, criss-crossing fringe. Diesel paraded its office staff down the runway to show, not only don’t they care about following fashion, but that they have staff hot enough to pull off such a stunt. Avatar-like models dotted the runways, as models dyed much of their skin a translucent blue for the event, which is the hot color from Paris for the season.
Of course, Fashion Week parties were the focus of the nightlife, as hordes of non-models and photographers crammed into nightclubs to not eat or drink, as these activities would lead to being unable to fit their non-tailored clothing. The models themselves were replaced by carboard cut-outs sporatically placed throughout the floor, with no one noticing the hoax.
Unfortunately, Fashion Week is not without a party crasher, as dwindling runway starlet Coco Rocha instigated controversy by stating that she was not contracting much runway work because of her fat “size 4” ass.
“It just happened. All of a sudden I found myself drinking a bottle of Evian water, and, bam, I went over 70 pounds. The designer I was being interviewed by literally puked all over his desk and asked me to ‘get the f*ck out’ of his sight,” explained Miss Rocha.
“What was I supposed to do about that cow. I mean, size 4? Why don’t we just herd some elephants down the runway, too,” explained the designer, Jean Claudio Lemoranique, also known as Izzy.
“It’s simple physics,” continued Izzy. “I am marketing strapless, sequin-lined cod-pieces for women. If I have a model that can’t portray this item as a necessity on the runway, I’m out of business.”
Apparently, there are other reasons why models need to be so skinny.
“The design of the runway needs to be light, so we can set it up and take it down quickly,” explained runway architect Reynaldo Stevenson. “We construct it to allow only those petite models to walk. A size 4 model would literally fall through the floor.”
“A size 4? I’m sorry, but we need to use wind fans to blow these models down the runway as they keep their balance. They can’t really walk with the malnutrition they put themselves through. So how do you expect this fan to move a size 4? That’s like trying to push a space shuttle with a golf cart,” explained runway stage manager Elaine Harfensberger.
“Please. I don’t like looking at women as it is, and a size 4 almost looks like one,” stated Tim Gunn. “How can we show off our fabulous clothing if there are breasts disjointing the fabrics, anyway?”
With all of the negative press surrounding Coco Rocha and other size 4 models, the editor-in-chief of The Inept Owl, Patrick Emmel, took it upon himself to provide shelter for the castaways.
“We at The Inept Owl firmly support a model’s right to decide what she looks like, and our whole staff is ready to provide counsel, support, or anything else these women need in these trying times.”
When it was explained that both male and female models were being discriminated against for their size, Mr. Emmel answered, “I said women.”