Detroit, MI: This Tuesday, US automaker General Motors revealed the miles-per-gallon, or MPG, statistics for their upcoming new model, the Chevy Volt. According to their statistics, the vehicle will get “infinity plus one” MPG.
The Chevy Volt is a battery-powered electric car that will also have a small gas tank. After an overnight charge, it will run for the first 40 miles on battery power, using no fuel. After that, the gasoline engine will kick in to power the vehicle. Provided a driver doesn’t go more than 40 miles at a time, 
one could theoretically drive for thousands of miles without using a drop of gasoline.
Tom Drunkenmiller, spokesman for GM, gave a detailed description of how GM came up with their numbers. “At first, our statisticians tried to come up with a number for the first 40 miles, but when they tried to divide by zero, it ripped a small hole in the fabric of the universe in Detroit. Then, we tried to convert it to ‘miles per electrical-unit-measure-thingy,’ but nobody could figure out how that worked; we came up with things like ‘100 miles per lightbulb’ or ’88 miles per hour per 1.21 gigawatts.’ So, the other night, our chief engineer was watching White Men Can’t Jump on TBS, and the answer came to him: in the right circumstances, the car gets an infinite number of miles on a tank of gas. And then we just added ‘plus one’ because it was cool.”
The Environmental Protection Agency, which is responsible for establishing MPG ratings for cars, has basically thrown its collective hands in the air regarding the measure. “How do you determine the mileage for a car that changes depending on how far you go?” lamented Dr. Carl Fisher, who heads up the MPG division. “It’s the first car that actually rewards you for making many short trips. This thing makes bicycle riders look like carbon-belching diesel drivers.” Likewise, the Obama administration has indicated no interest in questioning or second-guessing the mileage numbers. White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel said, “We said in the campaign we wanted to reduce dependence on foreign oil, engage in healthcare reform, and fix the economy. If we can do at least one of those without a bunch of pissing and moaning and bitching from the opposition, that’s fantastic. It’s a pleasant change.”
However, competitors in the automotive industry are left at a loss. A press release from Ford Motor Company stated that “GM’s assertions about fuel economy have now raised the bar. We will shortly be releasing a model that will get ‘infinity plus TWO’ miles per gallon.” Not to be outdone, Kia Motors has a “infinity plus infinity” model in the works, and rumors from the Toyota camp have them feverishly at work on a model that will get “infinity-squared” fuel economy.
Across the country, environmental groups are celebrating. Jonas Behappy, a hippie living in Seattle, said, “Finally, a car that is free from fossil fuels! No longer will we be forced to rely upon petroleum-based products that destroy the environment. Instead, we have an vehicle that runs on electricity and frees us from unclean and non-renewable energy that I can still fish-bowl!”
In an unrelated note, stock prices for coal-mining companies were up 57% in early trading this morning.