Tampa, FL: Sadness was quickly replaced by good business sense today, as investigators uncovered a video of commercial spokesman Billy Mays’ last moments of life.
As a D-List celebrity pitchman for such television-sold items as OxiClean and Zorbeez, Mr. Mays was continually mopping up after accidents ranging from spilt milk to Axl Rose’s morning vomit. Legend has it that Billy Mays showed up at the Exxon tanker spill with merely one pack of Zorbeez absorbent towels,
and would have cleaned up the entire Pacific Ocean and all its wildlife if only he had somewhere to wring the towels out.
A native Brazilian rainforest tribe is said to have replaced their symbol for “Water” with a depiction of Mr. Mays’ face after he had shown the tribal elders how to wash their loin-cloths without water.
Billy Mays seemed to be rising to the top, until tragedy struck. On the morning of June 28th, Billy Mays was found dead in his home by his wife. The cause has not been validated, but doctors believe his death may have been caused by a heart attack, head trauma due to being hit in the head by a suitcase on a plane, or inhalation of too many OxiClean chemicals. Toxicology and autopsy reports are pending.
Interestingly enough, Billy Mays seemed to know of his upcoming death, shown by a video that his wife had found. Apparently, Mr. Mays videotaped his demise, and explained that the super absorbency of Zorbeez could even soak up the results of post-mortem bowel releases. He proceeded to surround himself with Zorbeez wipes.
After going into convulsions, Billy Mays did indeed release his bowels all over his master bedroom. Amazingly, the seepage turned the Zorbeez pads brown, but no liquid passed that towel perimeter.
Police on the scene were heard exclaiming, “Wow, big or small, it really does soak up all that sh*t.”