Cupertino, CA: After undergoing a liver transplant this past April, Apple® Computers figurehead Steve Jobs was finally spotted in public this week, in seemingly good health: better in fact.
During the software genius’ disappearance from the public eye due to medical issues, the state of Apple® was as questionable as the possibility of Jobs ever 
walking the stage in a black turtle-neck again. iPhone resentment was at its peak. Bill Gates had begun running commercials that were were worse than the John Hodgman/Justin Long debates. Steve Wozniak joined a Segway polo team. Many religious groups had claimed the apocalypse was near.
Then the miracles began to happen. The iPhone learned to cut and paste. Dell computers began to spontaneously combust. Steve Wozniak started dancing. Out of it all, Steve Jobs emerged, from a helicopter at Apple headquarters. He was better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster. More annoying.
It seems that Steve Jobs took his illness as a time to market his yet to be released iDoc, a portable robotic medical station that works from an iPhone. Although Jobs would not disclose more information or visual evidence, he did say that “it is going to be the breakthrough that the medical field has been waiting for, whenever we finally get around to releasing it. Buy more stock!”
Although the validity of the iDoc is questionable, there can be no questioning the development of whatever technology helped Steve Jobs in his recovery. “It began as a simple liver transplant. I requested that a young child be sacrificed on my behalf, but they said that a child’s liver would be too small. I refused anesthesia in order to tell the doctor everything he was doing wrong, and we finally got going,” Jobs explained.
After having his life saved, Jobs wanted more. “I figured if I was going to improve something in the inner workings, I had to step it up and make the rest of my functions as aesthetically appealing and streamlined as possible. I replaced muscles with small motors and gyroscopes. I embedded an ethernet link in my brain. Unfortunately, we still don’t have the greatest technology to combat baldness, but that will definitely be in version 2.0,” continued Jobs.
It is unknown how stockholders will react to the new Steve Jobs, however, there are plans to super-glue the prerequisite black turtle-neck and blue jeans onto his new robotic body if they can’t find an ensemble that fits. This should set people at ease at his next unveiling.