Torrance, CA: Tired of walking from the refrigerator to the couch? Well, you’re in luck because recently Honda unveiled their latest innovation, the Walking Assist Device, a pair of robotic legs complete with a built-in seat. Pricing for the magical device has yet to be determined, but that hasn’t stopped prospective buyers from contacting Honda repeatedly in an effort to lay their hands on the hot item.
“This is the greatest thing since sliced bread,” said Herbert Cloverton, a 415-pound web designer from
St. Petersburg, Florida. “And I love bread. But not as much as I love cake. Or cookies. Or pie. Oh, or ‘Desperate Housewives’.”
Mr. Cloverton is not alone. Peggy Stimson, a retail clerk from Des Moines, Iowa is also interested in acquiring a pair of robotic legs.
“Do you have any idea what it’s like to stand at a cash register for two hours, non-stop, before being allowed to have a break? It’s torture. I’m so buying one.”
When it was suggested that the robotic legs may be out of her price range as a minimum wage cashier, Stimson appeared glum.
“So, wait, you can’t put some of the legs on layaway?” she asked. “Whatever. I’ll just sell my car and get a ride to work on my robotic legs.”
Upon being informed of Honda’s latest innovation, inventors around the world began working tirelessly to create their own apparatus for those not inclined to participate in any physical activity. Roger Diaz, for instance, is working on creating a remote-controlled refrigerator, complete with wheels and a built-in microwave.
“It’s still in the development stages, but I plan to release it in approximately twelve to eighteen months,” claimed Mr. Diaz. “The beauty of it is you can keep it in the kitchen with the rest of the appliances, but by using a universal remote, you can have it wheel into the living room while watching your favorite television program, yank out some food, and guide it back to the kitchen without ever having to move from the couch. No more missed commercials!”
Mr. Diaz is also working on robotic buttocks for those who spend countless hours sitting down. “This device will be surgically embedded under the flesh and will take the stress off your precious derriere. No more tingling sensations after having a ‘Lost’ episode marathon.”
Health experts are concerned with this latest trend.
“These kinds of devices, if abused, will only lead to more obesity,” stated Dr. William Briggins, a professor at New York University. “These people need to stop being such sloths and try walking on their own every once in a while.”
“Briggins needs to mind his own business,” countered Mr. Cloverton when informed of the doctor’s opinion. “Does he want to carry me up a flight of stairs? I don’t think so. But Honda’s legs will. So, screw you, ‘Doctor Know-It-All’.”