The half-assed biography of music reviewer The Token Darby Liberal Shaw Esquire, III.
Editor’s note: Music reviewer Darby Shaw did not submit the bio we requested from him some time ago; apparently he wasn’t kidding about the tardiness issue. Instead, we will post his application e-mail. It really says all we need to know about him.
OOOOOH! OOOOOOH! PICK ME! PICK MEEEEEEEEEE!
(You have to imagine a squirrely student bouncing up and down at his desk, arm outstretched as far as it will go, in order to make that line work. Bear with me.)
Anyway, my name is Darby Shaw. Or, as I’m known to no less than a dozen people on Myspace (including the Inept Owl profile himself… err, herself… umm, itself), The Token Liberal. I am writing because I saw the blog post—and the bulletin—and the other bulletin—about needing able (or at least warm) bodies to fill positions of need for your website.
As far as my credentials go, I can offer the following:
1. I currently have 565 blog posts on Myspace, most of which are longer than one line, and more than half of which contain few or no spelling/grammatical errors. Of course, easily 500 of those aren’t worth the paper they’re written on. Umm. So to speak. But still.
2. I am functionally literate in the English language, and I have a French-English dictionary if the need arises to post in French. I also have a rhyming dictionary, but I’m not entirely sure that it would be helpful. Unless you’d like some work done in sonnet form.
3. My mom says I’m a musical garbage can. I offer the following as proof:
Yup. See? The iPod even says so. (Is it incredibly lame that, as a grown adult, I have an engraved iPod from my mom? Or is this a discussion we should save for another day?)
Of course… the phrase I use for myself is “musical garbage DISPOSAL,” not a garbage CAN. I prefer to think of myself as digesting all manner of music, rather than being the sort of place you put the dirty diapers of the music world.
4. As a college graduate, I can obviously ramble on at length about nothing at all and bluff my way through anything, which makes me an excellent candidate for this position. Especially because it’s much easier than actually listening to a dozen tracks on a CD. In fact, I’m sure I can get whatever substance I need about an album by reading the description at amazon.com. Barring that, I DO have a library card which would allow me access to some materials (once I clear that pesky $8 fine off it).
5. Did I mention that I once wrote for Rolling Stone? No? I didn’t? Good. ‘Cause that would be a total lie.
6. I’m no stranger to rock stars. I’ve met the lead singer of Saving Jane AND Jimmy Buffett’s former harmonica player (those are two different people, by the way). In fact, Saving Jane’s lead singer lives close enough to me that I told her I’d give her gas money for the tour van if she’d make a beer run for me. So far, there’s no beer in my fridge. I’m sure we’ll work out the details eventually.
So anyway, where was I? Oh, right. You should totally hire me, in that “not paying me for my efforts” sort of way. I have a feeling things would work out swimmingly. Because I use words like “swimmingly,” which are the hallmark of a top-notch writer.
(But be aware that I have a habit for being [sometimes grossly] tardy in getting things done on time, so statements like “deadline” and “the only thing I ask of you” don’t always work out well for me.)
(And as you might have just noticed, I know how to properly nest parentheticals.)
(And I can also use “parentheticals” in a sentence.)
(I do have a problem with starting off my sentences with a conjunction.)
(And using too many parentheticals.)
Sincerely,
The Token Darby Liberal Shaw Esquire, III.
PS–I can come up with a shorter byline than that for any reviews I’d write.
(To see the full list of Darby’s articles, except for NFL Powder Puff Picks, just click his name.)