Los Angeles, CA: Reports are unconfirmed at the moment, but it seems as if actor Charlie Sheen may finally be making progress to turn around his erratic behavior involving, drugs, alcohol, hookers, and phone calls to ex-wife Denise Richards.
After an altercation in a hotel room where he allegedly went crazy, trashed the room, and locked a prostitute in a closet after he failed to find his cell-phone, wallet, and keys, Sheen was escorted to a hospital by hotel personnel and Denise Richards, and then flown back to Los Angeles for immediate treatment for an affliction known as “Cranial-Refuted-Anyeuristic-Zeno-Yammering”, a well-known genetic anomaly affecting people in the Los Angeles, California area and the New York Metro area.
Fernando Flores, a former bodyguard of Britney Spears, is suing his ex-boss for sexual harrassment. The lawsuit, filed Wednesday, alleges that Ms. Spears exposed herself to Mr. Flores on numerous occasions. According to Mr. Flores, Ms. Spears even went so far as to say, “you know you liked it” on at least one of those occasions.
Internetland: Britney Spears’ musings were once the most followed on Twitter. With an estimated 5,674,443 followers, Spears was, until recently, the unabashed queen of useless internet ramblings. That appears to have changed over the weekend, however.
Lady Gaga, formerly known as Steve Johnson, has dethroned Ms. Spears in a hard-fought battle to acquire the attention of millions of people with nothing better to do than read the inane thoughts and actions of celebrities (in 140 characters or less).
In an about face from many of his previous efforts, director David Fincher (Se7en, Fight Club, Zodiac) has signed on to remake the recent Norwegian hit The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo based on the book of the same name. The about face stems from Fincher teaming up with Disney to create a kinder, gentler heroine.
Los Angeles, CA: For decades, rock god Steven Tyler has been known as the large-mouth bass that fronts the rock band Aerosmith. His newest career choice will take him down a different path, as he trades in a microphone for a feather pen in writing a tell-all memoir of his time with the band.
“I spent a lot of time lying in bed recently,” said Tyler, who broke his hip after a fall at a concert at a nursing home in Sturgis, South Dakota in 2009. “It occurred to me that I had two options in how I spent my time: either I could catch up on episodes of the Gilmore Girls, or I could write a book. And since my grandson wasn’t around to program the DVD player, I went with the book.”
Bristol, CT: In what seems to be her insatiable bloodlust for revenge in response to the shocking, life changing invasion of privacy (and increase in celebrity) she is still dealing with, Erin Andrews is suing yet another person in her latest frenzy of litigation. Andrews, marginal celebrity before these events, is suing Ken Bianchi, friend of the son of the cousin of Michael David Barrett, the man accused of illegally taping Ms. Andrews.
Wellington, New Zealand: With such horribly predictable plot lines and below-par acting, it was bound to happen eventually—Eclipse, the third film in the overrated Twilight saga, bored a movie-goer to death.
Les Tateman, 23, was found slumped over in his soda-stained seat in a theater in Wellington, New Zealand, after one of the hundred thousand showings of Eclipse. Teenage workers were busy sweeping popcorn off the floor in between shows when they found him.
“It happens all the time,” said Brad Helsing, 17. “People are always falling asleep during Twilight movies. We just nudge them awake with our brooms. We’re thinking about installing alarm clocks in the theaters.”
In a recent battle for the artistic innocence of pop stars, 17 year old Miley Cyrus has taken up the fight for feminism and double standards. The action came after she had received criticism for her pole-dance act during a recent concert tour for Can’t Be Tamed.
The young starlet took offense that her stage presence would be seen as such a problem, when acts such as Justin Beiber and Adam Lambert rarely receive harsh comments.
Not so long ago, in a lab across the Atlantic, several psychologists donned their white lab coats, popped some popcorn (extra butter), and set out to diagnose one of the most famous villains in film history—Darth Vader.
Now, any smart working person knows what this really was—a clever way for some sci-fi geeks to get paid to watch movies. But, nevertheless, their findings made their way into various academic and medical journals around the globe.