Browsing: Business

Business
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In an effort to boost sluggish holiday sales, one local Wal-Mart has devised a scheme to attract shoppers this Saturday. According to the store manager, Earl Wickish, the first five hundred shoppers to arrive at the 8 am store opening will be allowed to trample a defenseless man to death.

“I’m hoping that this will attract more people,” said Mr. Wickish. “The sales figures just aren’t what they should be this year. The economy sucks, man.”

Business
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Recently, General Motors has been in a state of flux in regards to their lines of SUVs and trucks. Because of recent economic turmoil, the continuing war in the Middle East, and the continual lost appeal for American-made automobiles, the company had to decide what type of vehicle to market in a time where gasoline prices have peaked and flattened in a matter of days, as well as deal with a stock market that has investors and consumers keeping their finances close to the vest.

Business
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Citing a sluggish economy and projecting below-par quarterly numbers, major retailers have decided to boost their flagging sales by beginning their pre-holiday sales for 2009.

Business
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Tired of walking from the refrigerator to the couch? Well, you’re in luck because recently Honda unveiled their latest innovation, the Walking Assist Device, a pair of robotic legs complete with a built-in seat. Pricing for the magical device has yet to be determined, but that hasn’t stopped prospective buyers from contacting Honda repeatedly in an effort to lay their hands on the hot item.

Business
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Today, a television advertised on the popular classified ads website Craigslist was found to be in the exact condition advertised.

The item in question was listed as “27 inch Sony LCD flat-screen television in good shape, $300” in the electronics section of the San Francisco page. Frequent Craigslist user Adam Henkle called the number listed, fully expecting to have the item not live up to expectations.

Business
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In a bold move, the New York Times announced today that they will begin laying off journalists and columnists, then replace them with bloggers.

Sarah Huffledink, spokesperson for the esteemed newspaper, explained the decision in a press conference this morning. “To be honest, we had to do something. Subscriptions have reached an all-time low. People are turning more and more to the internet for their information. We decided it was time to embrace the new culture of news reporting.”

Business
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Being a glutton for punishment, I invested in the necessary portions of a plug-and-play Sirius™ satellite radio system recently: a stereo with car kit, a home kit, and a subscription.

The car kit was easy to install. All I had to do was attach a magnetic antenna to the car. Oh, and run the attached cable under the seal around my rear window, down into the trunk, behind the upholstery, through the back seat, down the passenger side of the car under the carpet, past the front seat, under the floormat, and up the dashboard. On the bright side, I found three dollars in loose change in the process.

Business
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Have you lost touch with someone you once held dear? Have you been wanting to reconnect with that special person, but are put off by the invasive record searches offered by most “people-finders”? And what about the cost? There’s no guarantee that the unlisted phone number you just paid tens of dollars for is going to be current. Well, we here at SOS have your dear one’s privacy – and your budget – in mind!

Business
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Today at a video conference from Apple Headquarters in Cupertino, California, CEO and co-founder Steve Jobs revealed the latest innovation from the technology giant: the iShirt.

Jobs said, “It is the next generation of apparel, designed for the highly discerning individual. It is made of the finest, most high-tech materials known to man. In fact, the material is actually invisible to anyone not of sufficient intellect. The shirts are lightweight and comfortable. And at only $500 apiece, they are the must-have item this year.”

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