In an effort to boost sluggish holiday sales, one local Wal-Mart has devised a scheme to attract shoppers this Saturday. According to the store manager, Earl Wickish, the first five hundred shoppers to arrive at the 8 am store opening will be allowed to trample a defenseless man to death.
“I’m hoping that this will attract more people,” said Mr. Wickish. “The sales figures just aren’t what they should be this year. The economy sucks, man.”