Scientists Confirm Convict DNA in Football Players
Cambridge, MA: Yesterday, scientists at Harvard University confirmed what many have long suspected: football players possess more than just athletic…
Tiger Woods Seeks Name Change
Windermere, FL: Tiger Woods, charged with careless driving, fined $164 by Florida authorities on Tuesday, and squarely in the crosshairs…
Patrick Swayze Returns from the Dead
Patrick Swayze, who recently died after a 20-month battle with pancreatic cancer, has been reanimated, his publicist confirmed to ABC…
Romo Sues Merriam-Webster For Douchebag Definition
Dallas, TX: Tony Romo, mired in an up and down start the last few years, has taken it upon himself…
Swayze’s Widow Discusses What She Won’t Do Now
Hollywood, CA: Two months have passed since Patrick Swayze’s death from pancreatic cancer, and his widow has opted to appear…
Gun-Toting Soccer Mom Shot Dead
A very homely soccer mom, who gained national attention when she openly carried a loaded gun to her 5-year-old daughter's…
Vick Tells Students Not To Follow Him
Michael Vick, speaking to a group of Philadelphia high school students Tuesday, warned against the dangers of being anywhere near…
Finger Bitten Off During Raider Bash
Thousand Oaks, CA: California authorities have stated that a clash between supporters and haters of the Oakland Raiders ended with…
Muslim Model to be Caned for Ramadan Fart
Malaysia abruptly granted a Ramadan reprieve to the first Muslim Malay woman to be sentenced to caning for farting, but…
Swastika Outside Congressman’s Office Causes Envy
Washington, DC: The FBI and police were investigating outside Rep. David Scott’s district office in Georgia when it was discovered…