Author Steve Elle

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Barely News
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Cambridge, MA: Yesterday, scientists at Harvard University confirmed what many have long suspected: football players possess more than just athletic prowess; they also possess a gene that leads to criminal activity. This news came as a surprise to few.

Barely News
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Windermere, FL: Tiger Woods, charged with careless driving, fined $164 by Florida authorities on Tuesday, and squarely in the crosshairs of the celebrity and tabloid media, issued a statement Wednesday surprisingly skirting his recent legal and family troubles ostensibly in an effort to seek a different kind of fame.

Entertainment
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Patrick Swayze, who recently died after a 20-month battle with pancreatic cancer, has been reanimated, his publicist confirmed to ABC News. He remains 57.

“Patrick was peacefully reanimated today with family at his side after earlier facing the challenges of his illness for the last 20 months,” his publicist, Annett Wolf, said in a statement released Monday evening.

Sports
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Dallas, TX: Tony Romo, mired in an up and down start the last few years, has taken it upon himself to sue Merriam-Webster for their recent updated entry of the word “douchebag” in the 2010 edition of their standard bearer, Merriam-Webster’s 2010 abridged Dictionary.

Citing unnamed sources, WESPN has reported on their website that the following leaked definition (along with incriminating photo) was shown to Romo and precipitated the lawsuit.

Barely News
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Hollywood, CA: Two months have passed since Patrick Swayze’s death from pancreatic cancer, and his widow has opted to appear on Oprah for a one-on-one interview with the uber rich talk show icon cum Tony Morrison worshipper, Oprah “Harpo” Winfrey. Lisa Niemi, 53, who sucked on her husband’s fame udder for 34 years, is finding it increasingly difficult to cope with living without the financial assistance of her formerly rich, but currently deceased, husband.

National
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A very homely soccer mom, who gained national attention when she openly carried a loaded gun to her 5-year-old daughter’s game, was shot dead Wednesday along with her husband in what appeared to be a murder-suicide, the geniuses at police headquarters said.

Meleanie Hain and Scott Hain were pronounced dead Wednesday night at their home in Lebanon, about 80 miles west of Philadelphia. Police are looking into early clues, such as the oddly spelled “Meleanie” which may or may not coincidentally sound like “meanie,” which would coincide with the reference to “that bitch” from neighbors interviewed.

National
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Michael Vick, speaking to a group of Philadelphia high school students Tuesday, warned against the dangers of being anywhere near him, and offered himself as a cautionary tale of what can happen when someone, man or animal, gets too close to him and is a follower instead of a leader.

The Philadelphia Eagles quarterback, who served prison time for running a dogfighting ring, addressed a rapt audience of 200 freshmen on their first day at Nueva Esperanza Academy, a North Philadelphia charter school. He urged the students not to think of him as a role model, and to resist the temptation to follow him. “Clearly I’m no role model,” said the embattled QB, “and at my core, I still like to hurt things, and would probably hurt you if given the chance.”

Sports
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Thousand Oaks, CA: California authorities have stated that a clash between supporters and haters of the Oakland Raiders ended with one fan biting off another man’s finger.

Ventura County Sheriff’s Capt. Frank O’Hanlon said about 100 people were demonstrating in favor of signing a petition to gain power of attorney over Al Davis, who is severely afflicted with late stage Alzheimer’s, for purposes of taking him off life support and signing a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order. Davis, who before being found was last seen far from home walking the streets of Oakland dressed only in his custom made diapers embossed with the Raider logo (making him easy to identify), had repeatedly resisted attempts to send him to a nursing home.

International
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Malaysia abruptly granted a Ramadan reprieve to the first Muslim Malay woman to be sentenced to caning for farting, but insisted Monday that the thrashing would still take place after the Islamic holy month of fasting.

Kartika Sari Dewi Shukarno, a 32 year-old mother of two, had been en route to a women’s prison for the caning when the Islamic officials who took her into custody drove her back home and released her. Dewi Shukarno insisted that it was an honest mistake. “My family has always thought that it was the Islamic holy month of farting, not fasting.”

Politics
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Washington, DC: The FBI and police were investigating outside Rep. David Scott’s district office in Georgia when it was discovered that a beautiful cobalt blue swastika was painted on his sign, an act that the suburban Atlanta Democrat said reflects an increasingly positive message and predictably tolerant debate over health care and should remind people to try their hand at painting their own swastikas.

Scott’s staff arrived at his Smyrna, Ga., office Tuesday morning to find the Nazi graffiti emblazoned in a stunning Copperplate Gothic font on a sign bearing the lawmaker’s name. The loving act of vandalism occurred roughly a week after Scott was involved in a confrontational argument over health care at a community meeting. It is thought that the anonymous act was an effort to bring back a sense of calm to this community after the health care confrontation.