Author Steve Elle

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Sports
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Los Angeles, CA: The National Football League was spun on its head this past weekend, as it was learned that two Hall of Fame players and a rookie engaged in obscene relationship behavior unfitting of a professional football player.

The men in question formed a boy band.

Officers on the scene were initially surprised as they caught Joe Montana, Deion Sanders and Colt McCoy singing “Candy Colored Clown” together in in an alley with possibly former quarterback Brett Favre. The group’s self-proclaimed producer, Andy Dick, confirmed the allegations.

National
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In a complete surprise to veteran researchers a rare breed of super smart bull sharks have been discovered off the coast of Key West, FL, representatives from the Discovery Channel said. These sharks were discovered after an incident occurred just off the coast of Key West in the Gulf of Mexico last weekend. A Clearwater resident, Justin Cavernethy, was nearly mutilated and dismembered by a tag team of two super smart bull sharks. This new breed, Carcharhinus crapolatus, is quickly gaining a reputation for mayhem, or at the very least, scaring the crap out of people.

Sports
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Pittsburgh, PA: Denizens of Pittsburgh, trying to recover from public scorn over the exploits of disgraced quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, have embraced a new taste sensation: the Rotten Burger.

This new burger, being sold exclusively at local Pittsburgh Biff Burger franchises, is aimed primarily at the 18-21 single female population in an effort to obtain the highest sales. Studies have proven that Pittsburgh (and Georgia) females in this age group are particularly attracted to large, ugly men who can throw oblong objects real far. Good looks, being not only optional, but frowned upon, are not factored in by this group, in an effort to enlarge this pool of men. In related news city officials are also looking at a plan, similar to that fictionalized in the book “The Stepford Wives”, which would involve creating a suburb that can serve as a hub for such men and the women that love them. This suburb would tentatively be called Rothlisburgh.

Sports
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New York, NY: The New York Jets, looking for a complement to lock down cornerback Darelle Revis, have signed free agent Antonio Cromartie in a move seen as expected and no surprise at all. In addition to his skills as a cornerback, Cromartie apparently has other skills as well that sometimes involve bumping and running.

Cromartie, who has twelve children living in five states and has been named in at least five paternity suits in the past two years, welcomed the new contract with open drawers, er, arms. Interviewed by Suzy Kolber for ESPN, Cromartie remarked about his contract. “See Suzy, it’s like this. Football is the sport closest to my heart, but bumpin’ nasties is the sport that’s closest to my crotch. And I’m really, really good at it. In fact…damn Suzy, you are fine! Has anyone ever told you that?”

Sports
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Pittsburgh, PA: In what seems to be a regular occurrence these days, lines of women have stepped forward accusing Ben Roethlisberger of naughty behavior. In what no longer seems to be surprising and in somewhat related news, a unique genetic mutation was discovered, strongly linking Ben Roethlisberger and beloved autistic bear, Winnie the Pooh.

As the floodgates opened, 243 new Roethlisberger accusers have stepped forward, including a few Piglets. Roethlisberger, now known around the league allegorically as the ‘QB of very little brain’ had this to say: “Uh, what?”

When the situation was explained to him using nursery rhymes and cartoonish pictures, Mr. Roethlisberger clarified his statement. “I’m still not sure what all the fuss is about. I’m a quarterback. I’m rich. My nickname is Big Ben. What else could a woman want? Or young girl, in most cases.”

Business
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In a stunning move orchestrated by a contingent of conservative Washington lobbyists, the Girl Scouts of the United States of America (GSUSA) have been directly blamed for the prevalent and epidemic heart disease and obesity of the very country that they represent.

Indictments for murder and manslaughter charges are currently being prepared by the Justice Department.

National
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Members of the media, specifically those of the more right-handed radio resolve, are alternately confused and enthralled by the fact that Tiger Woods, once thought to be just African-Asian American, may be Jewish as well.

This belief came about from the utter media wash for which Tigers Woods was responsible for. For the past three months, a news story could not be intelligently covered without some sort of mention of Tiger Woods, particularly such inspiring on-the-scene newscasters such as Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, and Rush Limbaugh.

National
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Celebrants filled the streets of New Orleans, spilling out from seedy sports bars and strip clubs and onto Bourbon Street to celebrate the Saints victory in the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl victory was seen as the final cog in the machine of the city’s recovery from the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina.

Sports
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Indianapolis, IN: In the wake of the New York Jets’ improbable season, a season in which every conceivable break was needed just to get them into the playoffs, it has been discovered that an organism isolated from the anus of obese head coach Rex Ryan could be responsible for their collapse.

Scientists at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York were alerted to the fact that several Jets players in recent weeks were hospitalized with upset stomachs. After psychological evaluations were given to determine if the players were simply upset because they were aware of how undeserving they were to be in the post season (which was confirmed by pundits nationwide before the Colts re-confirmed it for the masses on Sunday), scientists looked elsewhere when those evaluations proved inconclusive due largely to diminished mental capacity, a malady that afflicts both Jets players and their fans.

Sports
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Greenwood, SC: In a day full of highly insensitive events in the NFL(the Jets winning, the Vikings breathing additional life into Brett Favre’s improbably and perpetually overrated career), perhaps the most insensitive actions came from Bears fans in the wake of the untimely death of young DL Gaines Adams. Fans decided to take their ire out on General Manager Jerry Angelo for giving up a 2nd round draft pick (now a high 2nd rounder due to the Bear’s dreadful season) for essentially a corpse.

“At least Adams could move when we traded for him, now what do we got?” incensed fan Tony Marino stated. His friend, Larry Miller, added, “In all honesty, I think the production would be similar if Adams is out there next season anyway.” This elicited laughter and high fives from the long time Bears fans.